Let me put it to you straight: abuse makes absolutely no sense — at least not for anyone but the perpetrator. Abuse always was and always will be about control. It is also about the perverse, devious inner world of a very sick person; a person so stuck in their ego because of their own traumatic experiences that they are willing to live a lie the rest of their life in order to make others miserable.
Like many people, I had no real knowledge of abuse until I was forced to come face to face with the reality of what I had been dealing with my entire life without realizing it. I had upheld other people’s realities so I wouldn’t be punished, I changed who I was to make others happy, I apologized when I upset others with the truth, I allowed myself to become sick so others could be healthy, I accepted the brunt of the anger/frustration/resentment so others wouldn’t have to, I bit the bullet; I had been told how terrible I was despite loving and caring for others, I had been neglected, ignored, and hit. I had been told I was a piece of shit, so I believed it.
Many of us have lived lifetime after lifetime of abuse, but because no one else ever called it that, were entirely unaware. Because our abusers said they loved us, said they cared, said they were doing this for our own good, we didn’t know the truth.
In order to truly understand why abuse happens, we must look at it from a 5D perspective. It is the only thing I have found to help me and my clients truly integrate and understand what has happened to them and why. This doesn’t mean I think abuse happens “for a good reason” or that anyone deserved it. It doesn’t mean anyone caused it or had it coming. It doesn’t mean I think abuse should ever happen or anyone should ever “put up” with it. It means the origins are so far distant that trying to understand abuse in the here and now will only drive survivors crazy because it is completely illogical. If you take a few big steps back and see this as an inter-generational, ancient cycle, then you can finally understand and heal. Let me explain.
Affirming their reality. Why and how an abusers chooses a target is no mystery. In general, narcissistic people are attracted to empathic people because we are so damn good at upholding other people’s false realities. We are so good at affirming their egos. We are sensitive and recognize when someone is mad, upset, and frustrated then we go out of our way to smooth things over, to try to make life better for them. Narcissists seek out people who will affirm their ego, bottom line. Empaths are prime prey here because it is our coping mechanism. We do this without thinking. We do it as a survival tactic.
This is important to recognize because you have been doing this for many many lifetimes. The origins may be in the here and now (based on a difficult childhood), yes. But more than likely, you have seen how living our your truth, your reality, has resulted in harsh punishment, torment, and death. Your soul has learned that playing the life game means adapting to other people’s truth and if you didn’t, you faced consequences. They know this instinctively. You have always done it for them before. It’s why they’re attracted to you in the first place.
Victim shaming. During or after abuse, you will likely seek out people to help you, to understand, to invest time and care. What you will find is that these people are hard to come by. What you will find is that the victim gets blamed for what has happened to him or her. “How many times did it happen?” Only a few times? Then what’s the big deal?”, “What were you wearing?”, “You fought back? Well they had a right to do that to you”, “You’re not perfect either, so why are you complaining?”, “Well, that’s not what the perpetrator told me”, is what a victim commonly hears.
This is what blew my mind the most, as I learned about abuse firsthand. As an empath, when someone comes to you, you listen, you care, you believe. Even if you have questions or doubts, you still do your best to affirm what they have been through and come up with solutions. You still try to help. But society by and large has still not reached this evolutionary point. They still blame the person who acknowledged the problem. The only reasonable explanation for this is that believing the victim would disrupt the karmic script. It would force others out of their ego, their cognitive dissonance and the preconceived notions their soul is living out from past lifetimes. It would force change. In doing so, it would cause others to develop empathy and compassion and give up control.
It is as if you are standing on a highway and see a bus is about to hit you. You yell to the people around you, “help! I’m about to get hit” and they look at you blankly and tell you you are exaggerating. They cannot hear you. When an entire community, family, or circle of friends turns against a victim in order to support a perpetrator, they are saying, “we don’t want to ascend. We want to maintain the patterns we always have. We like our egos, thank you very much.” Because of this, there is no way to get through to them — their egos are keeping them from acknowledging the abuse in the first place and gives them “permission” to blame and shame the victim. Anyone who refuses to accept what a victim is saying is acting out the age-old karma once again.
Knowing your worst fears. Even if you have never communicated your deepest fears, perpetrators know exactly how they can get you to do what they want. They know how to inflict the worst kinds of pain on you, based on what you fear. There is a good chance even you as a victim do not know what your worst fear is. But your abuser does. How do they know this? Because they have done it to you — or tried to do it to you — before.
This is an intuitive reaction based on what they have done to you in past lifetimes. Only when it actually transpires will you see that they knew all along. That’s what you were hoping to avoid by consciously or subconsciously playing along. You were affirming their ego to avoid the karma they would inevitably inflict on you. I will warn you: whatever was not resolved in previous lifetimes will come back tenfold. The karma will keep building up and getting worse lifetime after lifetime until something is done about. As I have said before, it is a symptom of a sick society where the onus is on the victim to make things better, but please find a safe way to get away from them once and for all and resolve any lingering debt between the two of you (in the form of money, legal agreements, promises, etc).
They pull you back in. Perpetrators rarely go away without further entanglement. The cat and mouse game is what is most fun to them. Remember, it is all about control. You try to escape, they draw you in with threats, brainwashing, insults, or further attachment (“look, I can be nice! Lets go to dinner. Look at these flowers I bought you” — only for the cycle to repeat all over again.) It can become impossible for a victim to reconcile the way the person is sometimes nice and sometimes terrible. They give the abuser chance after chance to change. Getting out of their karmic grip will require you to be so headstrong that you decide you want to resolve your karma with them and never return to their control tactics, even if they can be nice for a little while; they will always revert back to the control.
Abusers are preying on your cognitive dissonance. They don’t want you to leave because if you do, you resolve your karma. If you want to truly get away, you usually have to fight for your life. You have to acknowledge your cognitive dissonance about who they are, stop giving them the free pass, and decide in your heart that you will never return. We know statistically that most survivors go back to their perps time and time again. It often is impossible to leave because of children, finances, threats, social pressures, and more. But as someone who has done it, I promise you — no matter how impossible it appears, you can do it. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You may lose everything but yourself. Do it anyway.