I try to talk about the strange, impossible, toxic and life-threatening world of abuse. Not the statistics and happy endings. The “this is how this feels from the inside” kind of talk. I have always wanted to say the really raw things that I wished someone else would have so I wouldn’t have to. They’re as specific as possible because it’s the only way to get to your subconscious mind, enough for you to go, “Aha! I have felt or experienced that too and didn’t realize it before.”
The only way to truly understand what it feels like when you choose to leave your abuser is to have been through it. If you have, you understand the ins and outs intimately. You know all of the tactics and can now plan them out in advance. “I will never go back to that again,” you tell yourself, “because now I know how it works.” You are no longer naive to the reality.
We must understand one of the most essential parts of the narcissistic/sociopathic “discard” phase is the relentless, tiered effort to destabilize you. In doing this, not only are they at an advantage but they also put you at an intentional disadvantage.
A narcopath never plays by fair rules. Some would say they wild west it and play by no rules, but that isn’t true. Narcs play by their own set of rules, which states, that anyone who does not obey must be destroyed.
Here are some of the steps in the destabilizing effort:
- Garner empathy for themselves based on what you “did” to them.
- Garner allies and clout for having gone through what you put them through.
- Talk bad about you. Not just bad but the very things they know will get others to stay away from you, the person who knows the truth.
- Convince others to not associate with you.
- Convince others to treat you poorly so you become fearful of the bullying.
- Insert themselves in your job/finances, friends and family, activities and hobbies so you lose them and cannot support yourself, feel motivation to live, or know how to feel happy again.
- Notice when you start reacting and record everything to use against you.
- Convince others the reaction was unwarranted because “nothing” happened in the first place.
- Convince others you are out of your mind.
- Convince others you are dangerous or untrustworthy.
- Take away your perceived character or ethics that others used to respect you by.
- Isolate you so that no one cares or believes you and the only attention you are receiving is from your abuser.
- Send in moles to collect information on you.
- Remind you of all of the reasons why you are inadequate according to their policies and the intel they collected on you.
- Throw you into the fire of the legal system.
- Use loopholes in the legal system against you.
- Drag you into financial chaos and insecurity.
- Leave you with nothing, forced to rebuild.
- Tell you they’re doing this for you own good.