How you define life, it’s meaning, and the reasons you are ultimately here is entirely up to you. Some take a nihilistic approach and believe there is no fated meaning but perhaps we can derive one. Others believe in predestination, or free will within that predestination. Your upbringing, religious or spiritual beliefs, and life experiences will lead you to what is true for you. As always, I want to share a new perspective for you to consider.
Here’s what you need to know in order to be successful and healthy: life is an energy game. Who can gain the most, who can be stolen from, who can generate it themselves and who cannot, and who can let go of harmful energies in order to overcome the traumas of the past and self-actualize.
As I have said before, we all have at least 7 energy centers on our bodies, called the chakras (though other faith traditions say there are more). These centers are nothing more than pinpoints on the body where complex physiological activity occurs 24/7: the brain, the thyroid, the heart, the stomach, the intestines, and the sex organs. For those interested in metaphysics, the chakras also store or generate spiritual energy. Because of one’s core wounds (aka vulnerabilities), which drain your energy and put you at a disadvantage, this energy has to be intentionally rebuilt over time and with hard work.
Think of the chakras like seven distinct deposit centers that amount to a sum total of bottom line energy (called kundalini). Kundalini is present in its pure form at birth, it is said, though it gets suppressed and blocked by the ways the ego of others are imposed onto us, creating core wounds or “debts”. In other words, if you are wounded in one chakra center, your overall “bank sum” will be low, despite deposits being made in other chakras. Ideally, you want a hefty energy “bank account” where no energy center is ever in the red, and in fact has plenty to withdraw at a moments notice, should you need it. Total self-actualization or enlightenment comes when you posses full kundalini power.
We have been taught to pursue physical possessions and paper money. The truth is that we must pursue the energetic currency of the soul in order to find success.
For example, your thoughts, voice, feelings, perceptions, and creativity has been suppressed since childhood, or since a specific trigger. Perhaps you have also been diagnosed with a thyroid disease. When the time comes to defend yourself, speak up, or “sell yourself” within a job/relationship, you will end up fearful, anxious, quiet, and regretful because you feel you are unable to rise to the occasion. Unless you use it, you will lose it. And if you have never truly used your fifth chakra skills before, you will not have enough in your bank account to withdrawal during these necessary moments. Ultimately, not rising to the occasion will leave you feeling bad about yourself, inadequate, and small. In this case, your bank card withdrawal limit means nothing if you live in a cyclical state of unworthiness.
The next time such a challenge comes around, you may react in the same way and rescind to a hiding or shame place, or you may be overcome with grief and regret. Round and round you go on the hamster wheel because you are unsure of how to get what you desire, yet stepping out in bravery to re-activate this energy center feels too daunting. You resign yourself to a smaller, more diminutive version of who you really are and you accept that you will never be as big as you want to be — or as big as you want your relationships, job, or other pursuits to be.
This is why I illuminate your core wounds and life lessons in Energy Readings — your health and life depend on you activating these energy centers and building up deposits so big, so grand that you have more than enough to help yourself to when you decide to take the road less traveled; when you decide to forgo the repetition and choose the hard road towards self-actualization. You can change, and you deserve to.
Building up your energy centers yourself is but one piece to this game we call life. If you are an empath, you are capable of generating you own energy. But know that not everyone can. This is the primary reason narcissists prey on empaths: it’s not just fun to these people to bring you down, it is a currency. It is how they feed, how they fuel, and how they get a “paycheck” despite having no personal source of “income”. As Dr. Christiane Northrup says, narcissistic individuals feed off your ATP (the fuel your mitochondria use to produce energy), and they also elicit stress responses from others, which get them high on feel good peptides (proteins) their bodies release at the thought of drama or conflict.
Narcissists cannot generate their own energy because they cannot and will not allow for an equal balance of energy in relationships and transactions; they remain on top, in power, and in control. Sharing is what generates energy and narcissists are incapable of this. So instead, they steal what is not theirs by being in charge — whether in big or small ways.
As an empath or highly sensitive person, you already know that when you give, you feel good. Good energy for good energy is your subconscious motto. When you listen, care, and help, you feel great. You feel energized. It may or may not get you anything in return, but you feel good doing it because you know it is the right thing to do. When you generate good energy yourself, you feel it in your bones and it makes you want to keep doing it. The sad reality is, narcissists have never felt this and envy the shit out of you. They wish they could generate their own energy. But letting down the wall and allowing for an equal exchange of currency could put them at a disadvantage (sometimes people don’t return the good energy even when you are compassionate) so they choose not to. They can’t afford to lose any energetic currency because they think it is in short supply and worry they will one day run out. Then what would keep them going?
A common scenario I have seen is how empathic women are targeted by “mean girls” when an empath openly shares their good energy with men, children, or other empathic females. In the case of empathic women sharing positive non-sexual energy with men, narcissistic women get so worked up and interpret this as a form of seduction rather than kindness. You see, narcissistic women are especially terrified of their controlling energy being usurped by true chakra energy (the kind you build yourself, not the kind you steal — that is a rarity after all and men and children take notice).
It may sound ironic, but they have learned to control men within the system of patriarchy itself by means of passive aggression, groupthink, subconscious suggestion, intellectual prowess (“she’s too emotional, she’s not smart like me, you can’t trust her”), shunning and shaming, name calling of other women (whore, slut, take your pick), withholding sex, and nasty body language. It is ironic that the very system they are slaves to is also the system they use to their advantage to block any threat to their food supply.
On the flip side, within this same second chakra example, narcissistic men also dominate empathic women through subconscious suggestion or imparting a “less than” mindset — keeping you at a distance until they decide you are worthy. You are less pretty than her, you are less erotic than her, you need this to keep him aroused, you need to act like her to keep him interested. Who you are, your true nature in which you can actually generate chakra energy, becomes dismissed and treated as if it were a dirty little secret you must keep away in order for him to get it up (yes, I just said that. I have to speak in specifics in order for people to connect the dots in their lives). And if he can’t, it’s your fault. How many years can you go internalizing this?
These mind games serve you no purpose here. Life is about generating good energy through sharing of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These mind games are in fact strategies narcissist use in this energy game we call life. We must learn not to indulge their strategies and maneuvering. In doing so, you build up your own chakra energy and stop it from being usurped, and find true health and happiness. Play the game to win.
In order to win at the energy game we call life, do these things:
- Affirm yourself: you are beautiful, intelligent, emotionally in touch, deep, sexual, friendly, open, and kind. You are allowed to be these things and you are allowed to build up these energies within you, without anyone else’s permission. It is okay to get “too big” for others.
- Get rid of narcissistic personalities in your life.
- See narcissist for what they really are: energy vampires.
- Stop giving narcissists a food supply; cut them off, say no, stand up to them, change the power dynamics.
- Purse what you want in your life, without getting permission from anyone.
- Work through your core wounds and life lessons to rebuild your kundalini.
- Fix your fascial adhesions, which create a density that blocks chakra activity and the physiological equilibrium within your brain and other organs or glands.
- Stop caring about what other people think. It will keep you small and trapped.
- Stand up to the energy vampires and stop letting them have power over you and others.
- Do not accept gifts from narcissists as they are a form of indebtedness.
- Say no when you need to.
- Say yes when you want to.
- Call out systems that put empaths at a disadvantage. Then actively work to change them.
- Let go of past traumas and find a way to process, then resolve them. They are keeping your account in the red.
- Find 50 solutions for every curve ball that is thrown your way; never give up.
- Don’t turn your energy off for anyone or anything — live a turned on life in which each chakra center is able to buzz with vibrant energy and remains that way despite energetic challenges.
- Generate good energy by helping others.
I believe we are all born with the ability to be and to become intuitive. When I speak of a healthy intuition, I’m not referring to magic, witchcraft, or the dark arts. I simply mean that intuition is your natural ability to discern the truth. That’s all intuition is and it does not need to contain a spiritual element if you prefer it didn’t. (Though, if you are religious, the holy spirit is a form of intuition, or if you are spiritual, your intuition can be a way to channel angels, ancestors, guides, and the collective unconscious — the choice is yours).
Intuition can also be classified as your gut instincts, your first reaction, and your truth. Humans are mammals, after all, and so we possess the same kinds of instincts that other animals use to their advantage to alert them to danger, help them get out of tough situations, find sustenance, spot predators, and survive. Other mammals trust their first reaction; why don’t we?
Having a well-developed intuition is, in my opinion, essential to your survival here. Without it, you’ll blindly trust the groupthink at your own expense — and at the expense of people who need your help. You won’t individuate because you’ll be following and believing what others tell you, what they force you into, or what they choose to convey for their own benefit. You’ll be talked out of things you know are true and that are in fact beneficial for your purpose here.
It’s hard to convey just how much of what we take for granted as “real” is in fact contrived unless you have been through the brutal initiation into intuition but I will try my best here. It’s the proverbial taking the scales off the eyes, setting down the rose-colored glasses, and diving deep down the rabbit hole into what is real, whether we like it or not.
It’s like the family holidays and gatherings we attend a few times a year. Everyone comes to dinner, pretends to be close, makes small talk, dresses up, and plays the happy family role. But deep down you know the longstanding family feuds have never been resolved — your parents struggle to stay happily married and constantly nit pick each other and get passive aggressive; everyone secretly rolls their eyes at how much your grandmother talks about her health problems; your uncle gives you the creeps and you’re not sure why; your cousin drinks too much but everyone pretends he has no problem; no one has talked to your brother in 10 years. We play the part and pretend, despite what is unspoken being pushed down until a “better” time. Will you acknowledge these things and work to improve them? We all get to choose.
You don’t realize just how much was fake until you get to the other side of it. Working on a marketing team help me recognize this. Abuse — a total ego annihilator (the ego being your blind spots) — helped me see this. Getting behind the scenes within organizations, watching people say one thing publicly but do another privately greatly helps us realize this. The cognitive dissonance that arises in each situation helps us to become progressively more intuitive because we can see where our blind spots are and then worked to overcome them. Are you trusting the wrong people, believing others always have good intentions; have you assumed everyone wants positivity and growth, or think you can talk about the problems and resolve them? Truthfully, not every will agree with you on these things. Admitting where we went wrong is what helps us become highly intuitive. It’s not enough to be an idealist. We also have to be realists.
Only when I became utterly physically sick did I stand up and say “no more — we all need to face reality.” If others weren’t going to join me, I was going to go at it alone. This is why my clients come to me — they are in the exact same boat: they know what is true yet they have been talked out of it time and time again for the benefit of others. And it is making people sick.
Becoming intuitive is a process, a bit like peeling back the layers of an onion. We have to “peel back” things that prevent us from tapping into our gut instincts. If we go into this process understanding that there are many layers that require being stripped away, it won’t feel quite so laborious. That’s not to say it will feel easy, but we can’t expect it to happen overnight. Whatever has been done to us, to humanity as a whole, or that we have done to others must be repaired. We can only peel one layer at a time and shouldn’t be hard on ourselves if that peeling takes a few weeks, a few months, or a few years. It takes as long as it needs to take.
One of the primary purposes of accessing your intuition is developing empathy and compassion. It is what we are all here to learn. If you are interested in becoming intuitive, chances are you are also a naturally empathic person who has encountered many narcissistic personalities on your journey. In essence, if you are being controlled by narcissists, you can’t be intuitive because you will be working so hard to keep their false realities afloat for their benefit.
There are a bunch of titles floating around here so let me clarify:
Empath = someone who is highly sensitive, in touch with their emotions and the emotions of others. Someone who feels the underlying energy in each situation, whether you realize it or not. Someone who takes on the feelings and attitudes of others because they are “spongy”. Someone who desperately wants to let go of their egoic habits and stop the pain cycles for the greater good. Someone who is an old soul and carries a lot of karmic baggage, both theirs and others’.
Narcissist = someone who will never be able to get out of their ego because that would require they relinquish control. Relinquishing control would make them face the pain they have endured and inflicted onto others. It would make the balance of power equal in their relationships. They control the groupthink, social setting, and story lines. They prey on “weak” empaths and use us for their own gain. They project and deflect in order to get ahead and not face their own karma.
Intuitive = someone who perceives the truth in a given situation, whether or not it has been verbally spoken. They observe the cause and effect, behavior, subconscious cues, and energy in a situation to perceive the truth. They look for nuances and non-verbal communication to discern. There are two kinds of intuition/intuitives — “healthy” and “malignant”.
The difference between the healthy intuition of an empath and the malignant intuition of a narcissist is that, a narcissistic individual’s intuitive insights are processed through a terribly negative and controlling lens. And these are people who will do anything to never have to clean the lens because of how painful the smudges are. It’s as if narcissists have a way of sniffing out your weaknesses and preying on them. They perceive your weaknesses to be the truth. They are unable to filter their perceptions through a lens of empathy: “What caused this person to do this in the first place?”, “What was going on in their life that they felt this way?”, “How can I give this person grace?”, “What kind of help do they need?”, etc.
While an empath would recognize someone’s weaknesses and ignore them for everyone’s benefit or to encourage that person, narcissists know when things are going wrong and find great pleasure in blaming you for the problems. (Please know, in the case of abuse, all this shit goes out the window and you as an empath can and should speak up about the ways narcissists are preying on you and show it to them outright).
They also anticipate problems and get a high off of chaos and confusion; they live for things to go wrong so the blame game and punishment can ensue. They love gossip, assumptions, worst case scenarios, and problems. The nervous system and neurotransmitters of such people have been trained from an early age that self-protection is how to receive positive chemical feedback in the form of peptides (compounded amino acids that are released in response to emotions) to feel “good”. Hurt before being hurt, so to speak. They feed off of your stress response. This is malignant intuition. It’s truly all about intention.
Some narcissists are so advanced in their projection skills, they adopt “do good” personas to fool everyone around them. This is why we always have to trust our initial reactions to a person. Do they have an energy about them that yields to others? Do they reciprocate? Do they ask permission — not just verbally but also with their eyes, body language, and speech pattern or word choice? Or, are they trying to subtly, maybe even kindly, talk you into something or insinuate you are somehow inferior?
The sad truth, if you want is, is that narcissists can even disguise themselves as empaths and “lightworkers”. We must learn to differentiate an empath from a narcissist — even the so-called covert narcissists — otherwise you’ll be relying on their perception of the world at the cost of your own. You’ll be relying on malignant intuition rather than a healthy one and you’ll end up miserable and not self-actualized.
Trusting your intuition is not all rainbows and butterflies. Empaths who choose to trust themselves and their initial reactions may have to face some harsh realities we didn’t know were present. We may need to speak up and speak out about what is truly transpiring, which others will not like. The difference between this form of healthy, yet not always positive intuition and malignant intuition is that as an empath you want to stop the pain cycles. Narcissists with malignant intuition want to perpetuate pain cycles so they have the power. That is the difference.
This post is a detour from some of the health topics I usually write about. But after all, I’m a mom to a super sweet empathic child who seemed born wide awake, and my Education degree landed me in classrooms, after school programs, nurseries, and working as a tutor and nanny many years ago. I have seen that there are tons of children out there who are highly empathic or highly sensitive but the adults in their lives have not recognized this because the emotional element (right brain) gets downplayed in the educational system and in society in general, in favor of intellectual intelligence (left brain). These kids may get ignored, learn to please people at their own expense, get quiet, suffer in silence, be unnecessarily medicated, or be treated as a problem or inconvenience.
I realized I wanted to share information about how to help these kids one night as I tucked my daughter into bed. She started crying and said she had watched her good girl friend get spanked and yelled at while at their house. This didn’t surprise me because I had sensed a lot of anger and frustration in this household and had seen the disconnect, impossible standards, and degrading myself firsthand before. This had happened a while back but it suddenly came rushing to the surface for my daughter. She didn’t understand why her friend was treated like this by her own mother and was sad for her. I gently explained that this happens to a lot of kids but I choose not to do that to her because I had experienced it as a kid and it made me sad too. Then she cried for my childhood.
Empathic children carry a secret burden that many adults are unaware of. These kids are already wise yet are often unable to communicate this natural wisdom and talk about what they have witnessed and experienced because they either haven’t been encouraged to, didn’t know to, or have flat out been discouraged from doing so. In order to help them individuate and become the happiest version of themselves, we have to support who they already are, not ask them to become something we want them to be. Who they are is already there. Imposing our own ego onto empathic children can cause a great deal of damage and some never get over it.
(By the way, this information applies to adults as well. Adults just become conditioned to deal with the lack of these things, which can lead to health problems, while children subconsciously internalize it all.)
How to help your empathic and highly sensitive children:
- Don’t lie to them. Empaths will see right through your lies and lose respect and trust. It will also generate a good deal of cognitive dissonance as they expect the best from the adults in their lives but will experience forms of existential crisis (yes, even kids) when their caregivers don’t meet their high standards. This gives way to frustration, anger, and resentment in the form of bad attitudes and behavioral problems.
- Allow them to make their own decisions. Granted, kids need their parents to guide and lead them, but empathic kids need the freedom and trust from adults to make decisions on their own. Give them the freedom to make choices for themselves, even in small ways, such as how they dress, what they want to eat at a given meal, which activities they will engage in, etc. They learn by doing. Preventing them from doing/learning will cause great frustration and boredom.
- Don’t use power plays. These kids don’t care how many letters you have after your name or your role as an authority figure. They will only trust you if you deserve it in their eyes — if you make truly healthy and righteous decisions. Possessing power means nothing if you don’t deserve the power to begin with. “Do what I say because I’m older/your parent” won’t work with these kids and they’ll resent you for it and become frustrated.
- Tell them the truth. Of course, I have already said don’t lie to them, but telling the truth is slightly different than just the inverse of not lying. Telling them the truth means finding gentle, age-appropriate ways to explain the reality of life to them so they can understand the nature of reality. These kids are old souls who naturally question everything, even if they don’t express it. They observe and judge based on what they see. Giving them a false version of reality will set off internal triggers which will have them questioning if they can truly trust you. If they decide they can’t, they can experience existential crisis which causes tantrums. This doesn’t mean you communicate harsh adult realities; it means you find a sensible, abbreviated way to help them see what life is.
- Come to their rescue. These kids have the expectation that their parents or close adults will have their back. If they have a need they cannot meet themselves, they will expect you to meet it. They may not express this (or know how to) but they do expect you to intuit it. We have to learn to read them well. Not meeting the need will break their trust and you could lose their respect which leads to emotional outbursts.
- Treat them as an equal. I’ve already said don’t use power plays with these kids, but you also want to come down to their level. While yes, you are an adult who has had many more life experiences and possesses more knowledge of the world, you can’t hold this over their head. They know they are young yet they are already wise, and their age often puts them at a disadvantage in society despite their natural wisdom which is frustrating to them. Reminding them of their age while overlooking their inherent wisdom is perceived as condescension and will cause anger or frustration. Most of these kids just want to be adults already so no one can use their age against them.
- Explain your reasoning. When you make a decision that they don’t like or when you have to tell them no, don’t give the old “because I said so” answer. They genuinely want to understand what led you to that decision so they can feel included and so they can understand what the decision making process looks like. This helps with synapse formation — connecting the dots, rather than getting stonewalled.
- Admit when you are wrong. They need to know that you are human too and sometimes make mistakes. Empathic children will understand if you genuinely apologize and explain that you sometimes mess up too. They will appreciate this much more than any facade of perfection.
- Give them time and space. These kids need time and freedom to process and feel what is happening to or around them. They need to feel to think, not just use intellectual predictions about what to do. Rushing them will lead to outbursts because they feel pressured.
- Affirm their experiences. They likely have their own unique perspective on life. They may already feel different inside and try to hide this. Allow them to share freely and when they do affirm what is right or guide them into further questioning and direction if their perception is off. They need to feel someone else gets it and understands without being flat out told they are wrong (which will make them feel ashamed).
- Show you trust them. When they make their own decisions, don’t overreact if you anticipate something will go wrong, or if it does. Of course, as parents we still have to look out for their safety and well being, but when it comes to the small things, allow them to learn the natural cause and effect of their actions without chastising them when something goes awry. Water spills, paint gets on clothes, the eyes are bigger than the stomach, etc etc. Unless it’s a deal breaker for you, help show them the cause and effect without punishment. Ask them questions to lead them to the truth: “What do you think will happen if you do it this way?”, “Do you remember what happened when you did that last time?”. Help them anticipate the best course of action to take in advance. This will also give them courage to learn their life lessons rather than avoid them in the future.
- Never publicly shame them. If they need correcting, do it in private ideally. Correcting or chastising them in front of adults or other kids will make them feel ashamed and alone. They need grace within their learning processes and publicly outing them as being “bad” or “wrong” will cause resentment and self-doubt.
- Protect them from difficult stimuli. Violence, fighting, abuse, and energetic tension are soul suckers for these children. They expect adults to right the wrongs and protect them. They expect you to do the right thing to remedy the situation. This could mean in the environment with other adults, or it could simply mean turning off the evening news when they walk in the door so they don’t have to be exposed to difficult scenarios.
- Create a peaceful environment. See above. This means actively working to create peace and harmony in their home life, school, and other communities. It means having the hard conversations, getting to the root of things, not overlooking the problems. If you love them, you will break the karma, so they subconsciously feel.
- Give them a say. Ask them their opinion and take it seriously. They feel if you love them, you will want to know what will make them happy. This doesn’t mean letting them eat candy for dinner. It means giving them a voice in big changes in their lives and seriously taking it into consideration because what is good for one is good for the whole. If you care, you will ask and take it seriously they feel.
- Don’t punish, remind and question. When and if they make a poor decision, don’t use punitive punishment with these kids. That is a major trust breaker. Remind them of the times they made good decisions, the outcome of those positive choices, and who they are when they are at their best. They know they are here to learn and punishing them while they are learning will prevent them from wanting to learn in the future. If you remind and question instead of punishing as they learn, they will likely take it seriously and change their behavior to avoid disappointing you or themselves.
- Treat them like they’re magical. Look them in the eye, listen intently, tell them they’re special, remind them how good they are at what they’re doing, etc. It doesn’t mean telling them they’re the most special, the best, the prettiest, the brightest. It means telling them they are great and wonderful as they are — and so are others. There is enough to go around and withholding this kind of affirmation because you don’t want to build up their ego “too much” or make them feel they are better than someone else will leave them seeking such validation the rest of their lives. They need their uniqueness recognized. They need it from you.
Raising these kids and learning new parenting behaviors from what was done to you is sometimes challenging. After a while, it becomes second nature. It sets them up for a healthy confidence, attachment level, and ability to go forward learning their life lessons and exploring the world with bravery instead of fear.
If you are empathic yourself, it is very likely you also have an empathic child. Use these tools as a guide to help create a harmonious, happy, healthy kid who thrives in your environment. You may find you begin to thrive as well.