Religions, cults, and their narcissistic playbooks

Like I mention in my book How to Become Intuitive, growing up in the Southern Baptist Church, I was equally fascinated and appalled by religion. Apart from the indoctrination I received in the church, including rote memorization of the books of the Bible and its verses, I also chose to take in-depth Judaic studies in college. I wanted to collect as much data as possible so I could maybe, one day, come to some sort of conclusion about what was real or simply figure out why and how human beliefs diverged so damn much. I absorbed what I was taught but also questioned or rejected it in some way, side eyeing the stock translations we were taught, as well as the unique cultures that pop up and the methods by which religious dogma is enforced.

My family comes from an area of Pennsylvania flanked by Amish communities and even the city I grew up in Florida has a large Amish sect who’s called it home for many years. As a child, I remember driving past areas of my hometown watching to see the women in their bonnets, the men with their long beards, bicycling alongside cars and fast food joints. I was curious about the people, as well as the rumors we heard as outsiders, and wondered what life was like for those in the sect. This, along with my experience in the Southern Baptist Church, was my first “case study” in religion as well as attempting to understand groupthink.

In college, I took mental notes, and penned some poetry and prose about the strange cultural dynamics at play in the church I was heavily involved in. I figured out how to fit in and gain acceptance and trust but deep down knew I didn’t belong there. I secretly watched documentaries like Jesus Camp and took out my frustrations with the push for young couples to get married on paper for my college courses. For one, I went undercover as a soon-to-be-bride in order to learn how virginal women were treated as they approached their wedding day at a mere 19 years old. I had figured out how to appear to be a perfect Christian lady in waiting. Problem was, I didn’t want to get married and was certain I didn’t want to have kids.

Later, when I lived in Brooklyn in New York City, I studied the Hasidic Jewish communities just a few bus stops away. I wanted to immerse myself, as much as an outsider could, to learn about their traditions, beliefs, and modus operandi. I was an outsider by all means, but I appreciated the unity of the community and how convicted and engaged the followers of this faith tradition appeared. Then a few years ago, I watched the documentary One of Us, a film that follows main character, Etty, as she escapes torture from a husband and community working hard to protect their secrets. She comes up against all forms of abuse and as a single mother, jumps through hoops to keep custody of her children despite incessant intimidation and threats. At the time, this deeply resonated.

Because of my fascination with religion, I later bought and read a book called Escape, written by a former plural wife of a leader of the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints) and became fascinated with her story, which turned out to be a watershed moment for me as I was just entering an abusive relationship with a covert narcissist. Of course I didn’t know that at the time and even sent him the book to read! Years later, I would think back to the harrowing escape of this woman in the book and have to do the same to save myself one night under a veil of darkness and in extreme fear.

I then went on to read several more firsthand accounts by other former-FLDS members, including The Witness Wore Red, who also wanted to share their stories of escaping religious abuse which resulted in their physical, emotional, and mental safety being put in extreme peril. I was amazed at the bravery of these women. And this was well before the #metoo movement which has allowed victims to feel a tad safer, or perhaps more supported, when coming forward.

This past year, my interest in religions and cults has shifted to the Church of Scientology and like all the others, I’ve consumed as many articles, books, and media as possible in order to learn how this institution thinks, operates, and treats its followers and outsiders alike. I have learned that whether the group is considered a cult or religion often does not matter. No matter the group, the patterns of though and behavior directed at “disobedient” truth seers and tellers remains the same; they all often operate under the same narcissistic (perhaps sociopathic) directives in order to retain power and control.

I believe it is important for empaths and abuse survivors to understand the implications of adhering to a specific groupthink (even those “ordained” by God) because the abuse one endures in their personal life is often no different from what powerful institutions or traditions inflict on their followers. By understanding that all narcissism operates in very similar ways — especially in large group settings — you will be able to identify these tactics more easily and quickly, and therefore be able to extricate yourself should you find yourself in the midst of mental, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse even when you are told it is for “the greater good.” Also, by recognizing that abuse starts at the top and trickles down, you can more easily perceive the health of a supposed religious group by simply examining the health of its leadership.

The religion/cult narcissistic playbook:

  1. Make followers feel special (“You are one of us,” “You are so lucky to be here,” “We are an exclusive group”)
  2. Indoctrinate followers (“We have all the answers,” “Our way is the right way.”)
  3. Make followers cut ties with real friends or family that are not in the group
  4. Dehumanize outsiders (“They are not like us. They are beneath us. They are ungodly”)
  5. Teach people to not believe what they instinctively feel or observe about the group
  6. Make followers feel guilty for thinking for themselves or questioning
  7. Threaten those who question (“We won’t like you,” “You know what will happen to you”)
  8. Take away rights from those who question (job, friends, finances)
  9. Take away basic needs from those who question (ability to buy food, have shelter)
  10. Send a hoard of flying monkeys at those who sense the problems (stalk, harass, collect information, spread rumors)
  11. Shun those who question (cut off one’s entire social network)
  12. Defame those who question
  13. Make an example out of “suppressive people” to followers of the group (“This is what will happen if you do not obey. You don’t want to be like them, do you?”)
  14. Find new followers who believe the official story line
  15. Tell new followers how terrible the old followers were (aka: karma transferance/shifting)
  16. Repeat.

Many victims of interpersonal abuse already understand how devastating it is to start your life over as an adult with nothing. It is as if you have no history, no resources, no clout or favors to call in, and yet you must find a way to survive in this world. It is like being born again as an adult and having to rebuild everything from scratch. It takes tons of time, effort, money, grace with yourself and patience. It can also, possibly, heal you because you are releasing everything that harmed you. The same is true for those ousted by the religion they engaged in, whether by choice or no choice of their own. Either way, this is how these groups operate and they almost perfectly mimic how an abuser treats a victim in a one-on-one setting.

This is when you begin to spiritually ascend, too, by the way because you are choosing the truth over the lies and trusting your intuition once and for all, no matter the brainwashing employed. Not to mention, you’re overcoming very toxic past life people and patterns who have kept you energetically imprisoned nearly every lifetime. After the pain and turmoil, you will have been reborn and you will finally be free.

Channeled Messages for the 2020 New Year

Forgiveness & the 7th chakra

Forgiveness feels really good. It is the essential healing component that is the final key in the lock. It is the essence of the 7th chakra that many have a hard time mastering. Once you forgive, there is no need to judge because there is no reason to keep another at a disadvantage. You know that no one or no thing can hurt you. You are above it all and you always overcome it all.

You have to forgive yourself for feeling ashamed, stupid, and disappointed in yourself for not seeing the truth and being fooled. You hated who you were. That’s because who you were was a false pain suit; of course you hated yourself. You have to forget who you were programmed to be and how much you dislike that person in order to remember who you are.

This is why Christ says you have to believe by faith that you are healed. It requires your faith as you shed the egoic energies: no one else can see them and no one else can release them. Only you can feel them. Only you know when you are healed. You will not receive confirmation or validation in such an extreme groupthink setting.

Your divine nature, ego, and fascia

Returning to your god nature is no different than your chakras being aligned once again. Think of them as “censors.” The right side controls your conscious mind and ego. You begin to have imbalances between the left and right hemispheres of the brain because the right side is constantly rewarded and reinforced.

The left side of your body connects to the part of the brain that understands emotions, which the chakras are dependent upon. You have to understand emotions in order to understand the messages of the divine; they can only be felt in order to be translated.

So, many empaths strain to compensate for the chakra imbalance caused by the presence of the right-sided ego. Often, the left side of the body presents much worse physically and pain-wise because of the straining to listen to the emotions you receive and overcome the heavy incessant energetic weight of the ego. That’s why you see dysfunctional fascia predominantly on the left side of the body (the feminine wound).

The karmic separation of the divine masculine and divine feminine

Men are being hypnotized by cheap, available sex. It keeps them in a primal state, unable to shed the ego and ascend. They cannot help it because it is a biological response, but it is their obligation to recognize and overcome it (which is possible). It drives everything they do. And since men control the patriarchal system which governs all, fake love and sex controls the men and women of the system alike. This is why up until the great societal changes we have seen in the last few years, the sexes were forever imbalanced in their ability to shed the ego. Women have always done the hard work because they’re more capable of empathy (due to biology and reproduction potential for ensuring young survive).

It took the uprising of women to shame men in order to scare them into submission to the higher self. The only thing that would stop them is the literal shrinking of the ego — because man was forced into it to in order to avoid societal shame (which biologically means fewer resources, respect, and potential female partners — which are his biological imperatives). It is the slow undoing of the ego and patriarchal system by melting it or forcing it, rather than doing it voluntarily, which is a female biological trait. Biologically, the female expects no help from others (or very little help) because she is the sole biological provider (the teacher, shelter, food, protector) for a baby after birth.

Think of the males’ hypnotic state not so much as┬ásomething sexual but as brainwashing and you’ll have less anger or resentment towards them. Eventually you will think of sex as something similar to two goats bleating: an annoying biological characteristic that is driven by your flesh suit, that cannot light up your energy centers forever. You were taught to associate getting “lit up” energetically with lusts that can’t sustain you and can never be satisfied so you chase them forever which completely detracts from your spiritual growth.

Is laughable that humans want to be treated as a species higher than animals. You don’t behave as such just because you possess intellect. Your intellect doesn’t make you higher than the monkeys. You still behave like them until you shed the ego.

The twins will join soon. Forgive now so you are not at odds with yourself. Otherwise you will always be at odds with yourself and change the vibration of everyone around you which will change the frequency at which we operate, which is the frequency of perfection. That is why this place is so painful for you: you are constantly reminded of and hurt for your imperfection under the false construct that was imposed onto you by the ego.

You are scared to admit this reality to each other because of the fear you will be judged. You have to share an “insane” idea that is completely contradictory to everything you have ever been taught or brainwashed into believing: that your soul is not from here.

Judgment by “God”

You’re still scared of God. “God” is nothing to be feared. He is like a scarecrow. He exists only to scare souls into believing he is the final judge, that you do not clearly know what his expectations are, and that you can never meet them. You have been programmed to believe you will be rejected by this “God” you fear so much, so you choose to keep returning to the karmic prison system incarnation after incarnation.

On escaping the matrix

Notice the reaction of those around you once you start waking up to the reality that you live on an insane, unfair, and unhealthy planet. As you begin escaping the programming, those around you start pretending. They ignore your essential truth and findings. They tell you you are wrong. They put a blank spot in their minds so the truth is not energetically reflected back to you. They punish or re-train you. Or they distort the truth so you are utterly confused.

They will always pretend this reality is normal or ideal, and like you are insane for waking up to the reality that contradicts this. There’s so many more of those who believe they are living in a heaven on Earth, or trying to purposefully overlook the problems. You will always come up against groupthink that talks you out of your convictions.

That’s what the ego does. It’s like being brain dead, repeating the same things that were trained to them. Or doing those things. They spread the energetic virus of compliance and groupthink and you stand out like a sore thumb because you question.

The ego virus

Like any other “virus”, the ego has an innate desire to reproduce and live forever and ever. The problem for a divine soul is that you have to become infected with the ego in the process of life, and then recognize it and reverse engineer it on yourself (as well as others) all while being in a spiritually amnesic state until you receive full chakra power once more. No easy task.

Do Aspies make better intuitives?

In the foreword of my book How to Become Intuitive, I talk about the main driving force behind my interest in becoming intuitive was feeling like a fish out of water my whole life. It was like everyone else in the world was privy to some big secret, except me. Every time I walked into a room, their secret (whatever that was), stared me down and I wanted more than anything to figure out this mystery that had not been given to me — and why it had been given to them. Why did they fit in so well? Why did they instinctively know what to do? How did they know what they all wanted to hear? Because I didn’t know the secret, I distanced myself and became a bystander, a quiet observer who noticed, questioned, and reflected upon it all.

From a young age, I didn’t understand people, I didn’t get why they did certain things (like lie), I didn’t understand their humor, I didn’t get why humans talk about “fluffy” insignificant things when they could be exploring the mysteries of the world, didn’t understand how or why people use passive aggression as a tool to get their way, didn’t perceive how they felt versus what they were communicating (and why those two often diverge), and I blindly trusted everyone I came into contact with — only to later be disappointed when they ended up hurting me. There was always a discrepancy between what I felt and observed and what others told me was true. It created a great deal of cognitive dissonance within me and I doubted myself, my value, and my version of events for well over thirty-two years.

When I became a health coach, I was scared. I wanted to help people, but also, I had to promote myself, I had to talk to people, I had to meet with them, and I had to come up with things to say — spontaneously. Every day since my graduation from nutrition school in 2011 has been a struggle to get better at this (and I have), but more curiously, I got to see behind the scenes of my clients lives and minds for the first time. I came to find they too felt different on a basic level and didn’t seem to understand the reality we had been born into. They had questions they had hidden from everyone, even their closest loved ones, that they just couldn’t seem to reconcile. I learned that my talent was not just identifying pattern after pattern within their diet and long list of symptoms and physical health complaints, but also, affirming their experiences. The things they felt were also things I had felt, but there had never been a safe place for them to express them. I enjoyed telling them they were right, and showing them the many ways they had been talked out of their truth. I only knew this because it had also happened to me. I liked watching them get stronger and stronger in their perceptions and be more easily able to recognize when someone was lying or when there was a facade in the way. As they got stronger, I got stronger.

I’m inching closer and closer to an official Asperger’s diagnosis for myself with the help of some great professionals. Being an empath explained a lot. Being a trauma survivor explained a lot. Dyscalculia and reading comprehension problems (the learning disabilities I mention in my book) explained a lot as well. But even after deconstructing these things about myself, there has remained something inside of me that is still too “different.” It’s like living in a world in which the operating system is 100% in opposition to yours, so every day is a fight for survival. Nothing around me makes sense and yet I have to continually adopt strategies to be able to function within a reality that makes no sense to me. I end up looking clumsy, disinterested, stupid, and quiet. It’s either because I’m working so hard to block out stress-producing sensory input, because I’m trying not to annoy people with my questions, because I don’t know where I fit in or who I will bother, or because I feel inadequate for not knowing the “secret.”

For those wondering, it is possible to be both an Aspie and an empath or intuitive. The two do not have to be at odds. I cannot generalize for all people on the spectrum, but the way I see it (and as I am now being told), I was born with the inability to understand things that come naturally to most others. This created a drive to explore, observe, and comprehend. I notice and question everything because nothing (or, very little) makes immediate sense to me. Because I can’t look at something from a standard angle, I have to use my empathic abilities to see why others feel the way they do about it — and how those opinions and perceptions vary. Then I contrast that with how I see something and try to discern whose opinion could be the most valid in a given situation with all of the data I have accumulated — or I try to perceive how much more data I need to acquire in order to see something clearly apart from my own bias. I never assume my own belief is correct because I had been told for so many years that I am always wrong. Only by collecting mounds of data and analyzing it via experience can I begin to see where my perception is correct or incorrect and therefore, what I need to do or learn to see the most clearly. Because Aspie’s are often bullied, as was true in my case, the fear of being wrong still lives deep within me, and so I never assume something — I always examine it.

The stereotype that most people with ASDs do not feel or are cold isn’t true. We can feel quite deeply, in fact, but often do not understand how to process these emotions. I saw this over and over in my work with kids with Autism over the years. For me, this meant not being able to integrate my mind and my soul until much later in life. I knew what I felt and I knew what I had observed cognitively, but I did not know how to get the two to get along. That, at least in my case, is what caused me to not be able to understand people, their words, emotions, or intentions, as is often said of those on the spectrum. My initiation into intuition, though, as I detail in my book, forced me to reconcile what I felt and what I saw. That huge divide suddenly inched closer together until they integrated into one confluent experience. I learned that the belief there was something wrong with me was incorrect — I learned that people lie!

It sounds ridiculous but I’ve heard friends and family of those with Autism explain it this way: you can tell someone on the spectrum the reasons why they should eat garbage and they might believe you. It’s not because they’re stupid; it’s because they’re so trusting. I was so naive to the fact that people lie to cover up their egos that I believed I was wrong about everything I felt and observed. Only when I began channeling information about the ego and subconscious mind did my awkwardness suddenly make sense. I didn’t understand people because what I felt emoting off of them was in opposition to what they were telling me, because that is what the ego does. That was the big secret I had been left out of. I wasn’t wrong; I was seeing too much truth and their egos didn’t like that. I suspect this is true for many on the spectrum. As I say in my book: it’s not that you’re wrong in your perception; it’s that you’re used to being told that you are wrong!

I have also observed that the deeper I went into my personal trauma, the fewer episodes of “I’m going to die” from sensory overload I experienced. Before I knew that I had trauma — or the extent of it — I felt like I was in a constant “fog” of being overstimulated — or trying to avoid becoming overstimulated by the noises, people, obligations, and chatter around me. I wanted to be around people but just couldn’t seem to make it work for longer than short stints. The raucous conversations, the steady stream of visual stimuli, and the unpredictable nature of others drove me into extreme anxiety because I didn’t know how to anticipate or process it. Once I started the lengthy process of deconstructing my trauma, that fog of confusion, disorientation, and fatigue lifted. I still get overstimulated easily and experience anxiety in circumstances others would consider easy, but now I know it won’t kill me and I can get through it so I avoid it less and less.

My point is, there are many layers to intuition. And there are many ways to be an intuitive. Some of us were driven into it because the world we were born into doesn’t make sense. Some were born without understanding the monkey brain (aka ego) and had to learn about it along the way. Some have always perceived the truth but were talked out of it. In any case, there is always more room to learn from this crazy world and become more solid in your trust of yourself, your higher self, and your higher power.

Join the How to Become Intuitive free & private Facebook group!

Hi guys, I hope you’ve had a wonderful holiday weekend!

Good news: I’ve created a F*R*E*E and private Facebook group for those who have already purchased my book and want to chat about it! Talk with me and others about where you are at on your journey towards being or becoming highly intuitive, the karmic partners in your life, the life lessons you’re mastering, and the core wounds you’re overcoming. 

Or, just use it as a resource to ask me questions about intuition, karma, twin flames, soulmates, the supernatural, channeling messages, healing the physical body, and more!

I’ll be doing giveaways from time to time in this group as well as live videos. So join us here!

How to beat your narcissist in court

There’s a good chance you will be taken to court by your narcissist, as you attempt to leave the relationship (whichever kind it may be), or that you will have to take them in order to settle some legal dispute because they will not own up and do the right thing voluntarily. You have to go into this understanding it will be a nasty, pricey, drawn-out battle, and you also have to go into it knowing that everything you assume about the legal system will not apply in this case — and that includes advice from well-meaning people who have never faced a narc in court.

See, narcissists are masters at working the system — any system — and the same is certainly true when it comes to matters in a court of law. As an empathic person, you likely have never been privy to the level of greed, deception, and distortions that a narc becomes capable of once put in the spotlight in court so you must go into this battle with as much knowledge and preparation as possible. Truly, until you have lived it, there is no way you could believe what these people are capable of. Even if someone had tried to explain it to you previously, you would have written them off and discounted them as crazy or dramatic.

I will be honest with you: it is possible to beat your narcissist in court, but it is also going to be a daily battle because you always have to be three steps ahead and you can never let your guard down. It is truly like taking a second job and will consume your time because see, a narc never stops, which means you can never stop either. While you’re being drained by the situation, they, on the other hand, are being stimulated by it so you are at a natural disadvantage. It is up to you whether or not that battle is something you can engage in. Depending upon what is on the line or at stake, you may choose to surrender altogether, give them what they want, or no longer desire to try to fight for the upper hand in the situation. It’s up to you, as always.

To be honest, succeeding against a narc in court is a bit like spotting some mythical creature out in the wild. It’s rare, requires lots of patience and faith, you’ll hit your lowest points because you think it will never happen, you get your hopes up often, when you tell someone about it they don’t believe you, and you usually experience it alone. Frankly, in most cases, victims lose. Please don’t let that scare you. A victim losing to a narc is common because of the tactics narcs use, and it is never the victim’s fault. But I do believe by being utterly prepared, you can make the best decisions in the most unfair of situations, and hopefully, come out on top against the deception instead of feeling completely blindsided by their aptitude for working the law in their favor.

  1. You cannot be passive. You must always be on your guard. This is incredibly painful because you’re adding the stress of staying hyper-vigilant on top of preexisting stress from abuse. You will have to get legally active and not expect the legal authorities to do the work for you. You have to be an active participant in the system because your narc certainly will have their hands on every document, paper trail, and date necessary for their win.
  2. Be 1-3 steps ahead of them. You know them better than you think. You have observed, reflected, and experienced the sting of their wrath. You can predict what they will do next and therefore, be prepared to offset the challenges they present. Are they leading you into admitting to something you didn’t do? Are they insinuating something that didn’t occur? Are they sending you into an entrapment scenario to make you look bad? Are they vague on purpose to later manipulate you in an effort to prove “ill will?” Use your intuition to discern what the end game is for them, and therefore, proactively protect yourself before they can do it.
  3. Have no pattern. Everyone has patterns they naturally fall into: patterns of thinking, patterns of communication, patterns of action and inaction. Much like a boxing match, football game, or high-stakes game of strategy, they know how to push your buttons and will do so on purpose to elicit certain responses that can be used against you. Therefore, if you do not allow them to learn your pattern, they will not be able to anticipate what you will do next, which will leave them without falsely incriminating evidence to use against you, should they abuse you and cause you to react.
  4. You have to document everything. In a perfect world, an innocent person doesn’t need documentation. Each time you lived up to an obligation, got a pat on the back from others, did the right thing, succeeded, went out of your way, planned that birthday party, paid for the vacation, worked the overtime, etc. needs “receipts.” To a pure empathic soul, collecting positive evidence in favor of yourself is completely foreign. But you will have to do both this as well as collect evidence against your perpetrator. Every time they have broken the law, abused you, broken agreements, refused to cooperate, relied on mind games, and more needs to be documented. Perhaps that is via recorded phone calls with them, nasty voicemails, text messages, emails, or more.
  5. Interview as many lawyers as possible. Wait until you find one who says they know how to catch a liar in a lie — or enjoy doing so. Give them a very specific example of the lies your narc is attempting to use against you and ask how they would counter. See if you think their answer is reasonable and insightful. In other words, you need someone who knows how to mindfuck a mindfucker. Pure souls are not good at this. Sometimes narcissistic attorneys are, curiously enough, great at this.
  6. Analyze your attorney’s reviews on Yelp, Facebook, Google, etc. What do the worst reviews accuse them of? Is this something you could potentially live with?
  7. Check in with your lawyer often. You must make sure they are doing their job. You cannot assume they know what is in your best interests and just automatically do it, then will update you. They need to be checked on as if you were their employer. They may not like it, and it may cost you more money in the end, but if you want to succeed, you need to make yourself visible and clear to them. Remember, they work for you. Narcs already know this but empaths will feel guilty for being “pushy.” But when your life is on the line, sometimes you need to get bossy. Of course, if your attorney has a difference of opinion and wants to direct you otherwise, take their counsel into great consideration.
  8. Get your ducks in a row. You need to look perfect on paper. Remember, a narc will go into court with the sole intention of finding any weakness and using it against you in order to deflect from the truth. So identify, what are your weaknesses? Do you need a better paying job? Do you need to work more, or find a more flexible schedule? Do you need to add in some acts of public service and volunteering to create a better case for yourself?
  9. Do not give your narc any evidence against you. I feel torn about telling you this because it is in direct opposition to my beliefs about speaking from the fifth chakra. Just know, if you do or say anything that can be used against you, it will. Personally, I prefer to buck the system rather than engage in it, but often it is safer to adhere to the system in place. “Anything you do or say can and will be used against you.”
  10. Have explanations for the accusations your narc will bring against you. Think of every which way they could accuse you and have your defense ready. You know your narc better than your lawyer does so no amount of preparatory work your attorney does can compare to what you know the narcissist wants to punish you for.
  11. Drug test your narc. Narcs are notorious for breaking the law yet acting perfectly lawful on the surface. Exposing their secret drug habits will give you the upper hand nearly every time.
  12. Never react to them, it only gives them more evidence against you. It also pains me to say this because reacting to abuse is normal. It is normal to react to torture! Sadly though, if you defend yourself it will be used against you. The court expects a victim to look like a soft white virgin doe with beaming innocent eyes who’s never said a curse word in her life, which is totally unrealistic. In other words, they will continue to abuse you and you have to “allow” them, by legal standards. This is ridiculous and unfair but legally, unless someone is threatening to harm or kill you, abuse will not be taken seriously and you will look bad in the eyes of the court for reacting. (Please know I mean methods of intimidation that will not cause you immediate harm. If physical abuse is involved, you should of course, leave or defend yourself when necessary).
  13. Report everything you can to police, immediately. Do not wait and do not hesitate. If it was illegal, report it and get a copy of the report. If possible, do not tell the narcissist you are reporting it so that they cannot immediately retaliate and turn the problem into a he said/she said shit show.
  14. Report to other authorities. If the abuse is not something you can report to police because it isn’t under such jurisdiction, then report to H.R., any form of administration, etc. and make sure you receive documentation.
  15. Understand that the court likely will not care that you’ve been abused. Unless you have multiple pictures or videos of attacks, bruises, black eyes, hospital records, other forms of abusive or illegal activity will not be taken seriously. Now, in some more rare cases, the court does consider abuse to be a serious matter, but in most, it is considered interpretation and therefore, not accepted as a decision-making factor. So yes, you have to have evidence of the abuse in the event the court takes it seriously, even if the court does not end up caring. Again, a ridiculous double standard and completely unfair, but it is the state of the legal system. The court often doesn’t care to distinguish a “mean” person from an abuser. Judges witness nasty behavior from people all day long. Someone mentally or emotionally harming you will barely register on their radar.
  16. Expect your narcissist to call you abusive. You will need a defense. You will need evidence to the contrary. Everything you say about your narc is what they will immediately turn around and say about you. You need evidence to support yourself as well as prove the abuse.
  17. Expect your narcissist to call you mentally insane. Get a psychological evaluation by a licensed doctor to prove them wrong. Or, see multiple doctors to get varying opinions in order to build a solid case.
  18. Compile records of every time you went to counseling, therapy, or a medical appointment due to the abuse. If you can, get records of the counselor’s notes so that you can have a record of what was discussed and how much it impacted your life. A narcissist will likely not have years or decades long notes from therapy sessions because they never believe there is something wrong with them. There is a good chance that you, on the other hand went to counseling to talk about your marriage, work, self-esteem, anxiety, or depression.
  19. Do as much research as possible. Research local laws, narcissistic behavior, and listen to the stories of those who have succeeded.
  20. Do not let them intimidate you. Believe me, they will try. They will taunt you, threaten you, remind you how far you have to go to catch up with them. Stay strong and do not let them get to you. This is but a tactic of a very insecure and sociopathic person who is scared of the truth.

Please understand, this isn’t legal advice. This is firsthand advice that I wish someone had told me. Use what works for you. Find new things that should be added to your list. Above all, don’t give up and work tirelessly until you get what is fair.