As I’ve said in other blog posts, including Narcissists Believe Themselves to be the Ruling Class, empaths have been demoted to a status underneath their narc “handlers.” You as the empath are to obey, not question their authority, and always — even if subconsciously — put yourself in a position of subservience and submission. On the surface it may appear as though you wear the pants in the relationship (or you share them equally) but once you push back a little, you begin to perceive the glass ceiling by which you are allowed to assert yourself and your personal autonomy. This is why it is such a challenge to become your higher self once more: those deeply rooted in the ego will not like you challenging them. Once you become that ascended higher self you will be above them in your spiritual abilities once and for all.
Here’s what I’ve seen from female clients over the years: empathic women naturally fall into a role of submission despite their great intellect and emotional intelligence, despite their unique skills and talents, and despite their superpower to heal others with their words, ear, art, or presence alone. Some of the most beautiful creatures have considered themselves the worst, the ugliest, and the least successful. It’s like that quotation that’s credited to Sigmund Freud: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
If an empathic person is living in a world in which the majority of other people are not empathic, that means you are surrounded by those who operate from an ego-centric personality and not divine providence or guidance. In other words, you are probably surrounded by assholes. They don’t know or believe they are, of course, but you are surrounded by people who still operate from the outdated monkey brain and therefore, will use any means necessary to squash the competition. If that means sabotaging your self-esteem, career, and relationships, they will.
It’s very difficult for an empathic person (a woman especially) to overcome the power of manipulation she has experienced at the hands of other women. “Aren’t we all supposed to be fighting for the same things?” you will wonder. But monkeys are constantly jockeying for position. You may have noticed the narc queen in your circle of friends, family, or at your job. She considers herself the alpha, as do the other female primates. The others suck up to her, kiss her ass, and offer their power to her. Some do her bidding, some pretend to believe everything she tells them. They compliment her and want to get in her good graces. They know she not only has power but she has resources they can use to their advantage.
Then in walks a divine feminine, completely unaware of this primate dynamic (until, that is, she becomes intuitive enough to see it clearly). She sparkles with each step. Her grace and beauty are unmatched. She may not be the most physically beautiful but a natural beauty emanates from her that sets her above the others. She gives and enjoys giving. Sometimes it is a gift to one in need. Sometimes it is a smile and conversation. She is loyal to a fault and overlooks the attention she has drawn. The females take note. She had no idea she was in a competition. It floats over her head, flows off her back; she remains completely unaware that the queen is threatened by her.
The queen starts getting angry and frustrated; her power is being drained by one who can generate her own power. The battle between good and evil begins. The queen and her minions plot against the divine feminine: “We must take her down. We will use any means necessary,” she says. They devise plans to take down this empathic woman, and they are successful. They find a way to steal her internal power source by dimming it once and for all. “She will never shine again,” they say. But little do they know that it brings this woman to tears when she cannot generate her own energy, when she is dependent upon others and depleted. She will never steal the energy source from another but she must learn how to get hers back. So she relearns how to shine. In the process, she becomes the alpha female she always was, apart from the wounding. She becomes her higher self even if the monkey brains don’t like it.
If it sounds like a fairy tale, that’s because it is. Empathic people have always used the arts to communicate this essential truth: divine feminines are broken by the monkey tactics and must learn to rebuild their own energy source (from evil witches, evil queens, and the like). In the process, they ascend. It’s that complicated and that simple. You always were an alpha and that’s why they were threatened by you to begin with. If they used sabotage tactics on you, it’s because they were threatened. When you began asserting your personal power, they saw you were willing to jockey for position. You were ganged up on. The silent bystanders watched in awe as you made that move to claim your seat at the head of the table. They knew it would happen if they did not do something drastic. They hurt you on purpose. They forced you back into the beta position. You would be less threatening to their resources and power that way.
This also has to do with the divine masculine.
In a world of cheap, available sex, men have forgotten what it means to win over a true alpha female. Not a controlling alpha, or an alpha who she herself has not yet earned it (only been given it). I mean an alpha female who has been to hell and back and stepped out still shining. She knows how the system works and she understands how to overcome anything. She’s not easily impressed though people try. “Show me something I myself have not done,” she asks them. They have nothing to offer. So she sits in her quiet tower until someone risks his life proving himself to her. “See how I can climb this castle wall?,” See how I will take a sword for you?,” “See how I will put you first even when it is not convenient for me?” he asks her. In him, she sees the first man she can respect because he has proven she can trust him. He is the only one who is braver than her. (Think of the biological/reproductive importance of this. If he dies, there are more sperm donors but if she dies, there is one less mother to completely care for her children).
Until now, she has never met a man she can respect but he can do things she cannot do herself. She sees him for who he really is and he sees his own reflection in her eyes. For the first time in his life, he sees his real value. The things everyone else told his made him valuable his entire life were things he had to physically possess — tangible, immediate things that had nothing to do with his soul. He finally respects himself. No one else can offer this to this divine couple. And that connection can never be broken.
This is the process the empathic collective has been undergoing for the last few years. For many, it will culminate soon. For others, there is still work to do. Either way, whether you call it stepping into your alpha nature or ascending, it is one and the same.
Like I mention in my book How to Become Intuitive, growing up in the Southern Baptist Church, I was equally fascinated and appalled by religion. Apart from the indoctrination I received in the church, including rote memorization of the books of the Bible and its verses, I also chose to take in-depth Judaic studies in college. I wanted to collect as much data as possible so I could maybe, one day, come to some sort of conclusion about what was real or simply figure out why and how human beliefs diverged so damn much. I absorbed what I was taught but also questioned or rejected it in some way, side eyeing the stock translations we were taught, as well as the unique cultures that pop up and the methods by which religious dogma is enforced.
My family comes from an area of Pennsylvania flanked by Amish communities and even the city I grew up in Florida has a large Amish sect who’s called it home for many years. As a child, I remember driving past areas of my hometown watching to see the women in their bonnets, the men with their long beards, bicycling alongside cars and fast food joints. I was curious about the people, as well as the rumors we heard as outsiders, and wondered what life was like for those in the sect. This, along with my experience in the Southern Baptist Church, was my first “case study” in religion as well as attempting to understand groupthink.
In college, I took mental notes, and penned some poetry and prose about the strange cultural dynamics at play in the church I was heavily involved in. I figured out how to fit in and gain acceptance and trust but deep down knew I didn’t belong there. I secretly watched documentaries like Jesus Camp and took out my frustrations with the push for young couples to get married on paper for my college courses. For one, I went undercover as a soon-to-be-bride in order to learn how virginal women were treated as they approached their wedding day at a mere 19 years old. I had figured out how to appear to be a perfect Christian lady in waiting. Problem was, I didn’t want to get married and was certain I didn’t want to have kids.
Later, when I lived in Brooklyn in New York City, I studied the Hasidic Jewish communities just a few bus stops away. I wanted to immerse myself, as much as an outsider could, to learn about their traditions, beliefs, and modus operandi. I was an outsider by all means, but I appreciated the unity of the community and how convicted and engaged the followers of this faith tradition appeared. Then a few years ago, I watched the documentary One of Us, a film that follows main character, Etty, as she escapes torture from a husband and community working hard to protect their secrets. She comes up against all forms of abuse and as a single mother, jumps through hoops to keep custody of her children despite incessant intimidation and threats. At the time, this deeply resonated.
Because of my fascination with religion, I later bought and read a book called Escape, written by a former plural wife of a leader of the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints) and became fascinated with her story, which turned out to be a watershed moment for me as I was just entering an abusive relationship with a covert narcissist. Of course I didn’t know that at the time and even sent him the book to read! Years later, I would think back to the harrowing escape of this woman in the book and have to do the same to save myself one night under a veil of darkness and in extreme fear.
I then went on to read several more firsthand accounts by other former-FLDS members, including The Witness Wore Red, who also wanted to share their stories of escaping religious abuse which resulted in their physical, emotional, and mental safety being put in extreme peril. I was amazed at the bravery of these women. And this was well before the #metoo movement which has allowed victims to feel a tad safer, or perhaps more supported, when coming forward.
This past year, my interest in religions and cults has shifted to the Church of Scientology and like all the others, I’ve consumed as many articles, books, and media as possible in order to learn how this institution thinks, operates, and treats its followers and outsiders alike. I have learned that whether the group is considered a cult or religion often does not matter. No matter the group, the patterns of though and behavior directed at “disobedient” truth seers and tellers remains the same; they all often operate under the same narcissistic (perhaps sociopathic) directives in order to retain power and control.
I believe it is important for empaths and abuse survivors to understand the implications of adhering to a specific groupthink (even those “ordained” by God) because the abuse one endures in their personal life is often no different from what powerful institutions or traditions inflict on their followers. By understanding that all narcissism operates in very similar ways — especially in large group settings — you will be able to identify these tactics more easily and quickly, and therefore be able to extricate yourself should you find yourself in the midst of mental, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse even when you are told it is for “the greater good.” Also, by recognizing that abuse starts at the top and trickles down, you can more easily perceive the health of a supposed religious group by simply examining the health of its leadership.
The religion/cult narcissistic playbook:
- Make followers feel special (“You are one of us,” “You are so lucky to be here,” “We are an exclusive group”)
- Indoctrinate followers (“We have all the answers,” “Our way is the right way.”)
- Make followers cut ties with real friends or family that are not in the group
- Dehumanize outsiders (“They are not like us. They are beneath us. They are ungodly”)
- Teach people to not believe what they instinctively feel or observe about the group
- Make followers feel guilty for thinking for themselves or questioning
- Threaten those who question (“We won’t like you,” “You know what will happen to you”)
- Take away rights from those who question (job, friends, finances)
- Take away basic needs from those who question (ability to buy food, have shelter)
- Send a hoard of flying monkeys at those who sense the problems (stalk, harass, collect information, spread rumors)
- Shun those who question (cut off one’s entire social network)
- Defame those who question
- Make an example out of “suppressive people” to followers of the group (“This is what will happen if you do not obey. You don’t want to be like them, do you?”)
- Find new followers who believe the official story line
- Tell new followers how terrible the old followers were (aka: karma transferance/shifting)
Many victims of interpersonal abuse already understand how devastating it is to start your life over as an adult with nothing. It is as if you have no history, no resources, no clout or favors to call in, and yet you must find a way to survive in this world. It is like being born again as an adult and having to rebuild everything from scratch. It takes tons of time, effort, money, grace with yourself and patience. It can also, possibly, heal you because you are releasing everything that harmed you. The same is true for those ousted by the religion they engaged in, whether by choice or no choice of their own. Either way, this is how these groups operate and they almost perfectly mimic how an abuser treats a victim in a one-on-one setting.
This is when you begin to spiritually ascend, too, by the way because you are choosing the truth over the lies and trusting your intuition once and for all, no matter the brainwashing employed. Not to mention, you’re overcoming very toxic past life people and patterns who have kept you energetically imprisoned nearly every lifetime. After the pain and turmoil, you will have been reborn and you will finally be free.
Forgiveness & the 7th chakra
Forgiveness feels really good. It is the essential healing component that is the final key in the lock. It is the essence of the 7th chakra that many have a hard time mastering. Once you forgive, there is no need to judge because there is no reason to keep another at a disadvantage. You know that no one or no thing can hurt you. You are above it all and you always overcome it all.
You have to forgive yourself for feeling ashamed, stupid, and disappointed in yourself for not seeing the truth and being fooled. You hated who you were. That’s because who you were was a false pain suit; of course you hated yourself. You have to forget who you were programmed to be and how much you dislike that person in order to remember who you are.
This is why Christ says you have to believe by faith that you are healed. It requires your faith as you shed the egoic energies: no one else can see them and no one else can release them. Only you can feel them. Only you know when you are healed. You will not receive confirmation or validation in such an extreme groupthink setting.
Your divine nature, ego, and fascia
Returning to your god nature is no different than your chakras being aligned once again. Think of them as “censors.” The right side controls your conscious mind and ego. You begin to have imbalances between the left and right hemispheres of the brain because the right side is constantly rewarded and reinforced.
The left side of your body connects to the part of the brain that understands emotions, which the chakras are dependent upon. You have to understand emotions in order to understand the messages of the divine; they can only be felt in order to be translated.
So, many empaths strain to compensate for the chakra imbalance caused by the presence of the right-sided ego. Often, the left side of the body presents much worse physically and pain-wise because of the straining to listen to the emotions you receive and overcome the heavy incessant energetic weight of the ego. That’s why you see dysfunctional fascia predominantly on the left side of the body (the feminine wound).
The karmic separation of the divine masculine and divine feminine
Men are being hypnotized by cheap, available sex. It keeps them in a primal state, unable to shed the ego and ascend. They cannot help it because it is a biological response, but it is their obligation to recognize and overcome it (which is possible). It drives everything they do. And since men control the patriarchal system which governs all, fake love and sex controls the men and women of the system alike. This is why up until the great societal changes we have seen in the last few years, the sexes were forever imbalanced in their ability to shed the ego. Women have always done the hard work because they’re more capable of empathy (due to biology and reproduction potential for ensuring young survive).
It took the uprising of women to shame men in order to scare them into submission to the higher self. The only thing that would stop them is the literal shrinking of the ego — because man was forced into it to in order to avoid societal shame (which biologically means fewer resources, respect, and potential female partners — which are his biological imperatives). It is the slow undoing of the ego and patriarchal system by melting it or forcing it, rather than doing it voluntarily, which is a female biological trait. Biologically, the female expects no help from others (or very little help) because she is the sole biological provider (the teacher, shelter, food, protector) for a baby after birth.
Think of the males’ hypnotic state not so much as something sexual but as brainwashing and you’ll have less anger or resentment towards them. Eventually you will think of sex as something similar to two goats bleating: an annoying biological characteristic that is driven by your flesh suit, that cannot light up your energy centers forever. You were taught to associate getting “lit up” energetically with lusts that can’t sustain you and can never be satisfied so you chase them forever which completely detracts from your spiritual growth.
Is laughable that humans want to be treated as a species higher than animals. You don’t behave as such just because you possess intellect. Your intellect doesn’t make you higher than the monkeys. You still behave like them until you shed the ego.
The twins will join soon. Forgive now so you are not at odds with yourself. Otherwise you will always be at odds with yourself and change the vibration of everyone around you which will change the frequency at which we operate, which is the frequency of perfection. That is why this place is so painful for you: you are constantly reminded of and hurt for your imperfection under the false construct that was imposed onto you by the ego.
You are scared to admit this reality to each other because of the fear you will be judged. You have to share an “insane” idea that is completely contradictory to everything you have ever been taught or brainwashed into believing: that your soul is not from here.
Judgment by “God”
You’re still scared of God. “God” is nothing to be feared. He is like a scarecrow. He exists only to scare souls into believing he is the final judge, that you do not clearly know what his expectations are, and that you can never meet them. You have been programmed to believe you will be rejected by this “God” you fear so much, so you choose to keep returning to the karmic prison system incarnation after incarnation.
On escaping the matrix
Notice the reaction of those around you once you start waking up to the reality that you live on an insane, unfair, and unhealthy planet. As you begin escaping the programming, those around you start pretending. They ignore your essential truth and findings. They tell you you are wrong. They put a blank spot in their minds so the truth is not energetically reflected back to you. They punish or re-train you. Or they distort the truth so you are utterly confused.
They will always pretend this reality is normal or ideal, and like you are insane for waking up to the reality that contradicts this. There’s so many more of those who believe they are living in a heaven on Earth, or trying to purposefully overlook the problems. You will always come up against groupthink that talks you out of your convictions.
That’s what the ego does. It’s like being brain dead, repeating the same things that were trained to them. Or doing those things. They spread the energetic virus of compliance and groupthink and you stand out like a sore thumb because you question.
The ego virus
Like any other “virus”, the ego has an innate desire to reproduce and live forever and ever. The problem for a divine soul is that you have to become infected with the ego in the process of life, and then recognize it and reverse engineer it on yourself (as well as others) all while being in a spiritually amnesic state until you receive full chakra power once more. No easy task.
There’s a good chance you will be taken to court by your narcissist, as you attempt to leave the relationship (whichever kind it may be), or that you will have to take them in order to settle some legal dispute because they will not own up and do the right thing voluntarily. You have to go into this understanding it will be a nasty, pricey, drawn-out battle, and you also have to go into it knowing that everything you assume about the legal system will not apply in this case — and that includes advice from well-meaning people who have never faced a narc in court.
See, narcissists are masters at working the system — any system — and the same is certainly true when it comes to matters in a court of law. As an empathic person, you likely have never been privy to the level of greed, deception, and distortions that a narc becomes capable of once put in the spotlight in court so you must go into this battle with as much knowledge and preparation as possible. Truly, until you have lived it, there is no way you could believe what these people are capable of. Even if someone had tried to explain it to you previously, you would have written them off and discounted them as crazy or dramatic.
I will be honest with you: it is possible to beat your narcissist in court, but it is also going to be a daily battle because you always have to be three steps ahead and you can never let your guard down. It is truly like taking a second job and will consume your time because see, a narc never stops, which means you can never stop either. While you’re being drained by the situation, they, on the other hand, are being stimulated by it so you are at a natural disadvantage. It is up to you whether or not that battle is something you can engage in. Depending upon what is on the line or at stake, you may choose to surrender altogether, give them what they want, or no longer desire to try to fight for the upper hand in the situation. It’s up to you, as always.
To be honest, succeeding against a narc in court is a bit like spotting some mythical creature out in the wild. It’s rare, requires lots of patience and faith, you’ll hit your lowest points because you think it will never happen, you get your hopes up often, when you tell someone about it they don’t believe you, and you usually experience it alone. Frankly, in most cases, victims lose. Please don’t let that scare you. A victim losing to a narc is common because of the tactics narcs use, and it is never the victim’s fault. But I do believe by being utterly prepared, you can make the best decisions in the most unfair of situations, and hopefully, come out on top against the deception instead of feeling completely blindsided by their aptitude for working the law in their favor.
- You cannot be passive. You must always be on your guard. This is incredibly painful because you’re adding the stress of staying hyper-vigilant on top of preexisting stress from abuse. You will have to get legally active and not expect the legal authorities to do the work for you. You have to be an active participant in the system because your narc certainly will have their hands on every document, paper trail, and date necessary for their win.
- Be 1-3 steps ahead of them. You know them better than you think. You have observed, reflected, and experienced the sting of their wrath. You can predict what they will do next and therefore, be prepared to offset the challenges they present. Are they leading you into admitting to something you didn’t do? Are they insinuating something that didn’t occur? Are they sending you into an entrapment scenario to make you look bad? Are they vague on purpose to later manipulate you in an effort to prove “ill will?” Use your intuition to discern what the end game is for them, and therefore, proactively protect yourself before they can do it.
- Have no pattern. Everyone has patterns they naturally fall into: patterns of thinking, patterns of communication, patterns of action and inaction. Much like a boxing match, football game, or high-stakes game of strategy, they know how to push your buttons and will do so on purpose to elicit certain responses that can be used against you. Therefore, if you do not allow them to learn your pattern, they will not be able to anticipate what you will do next, which will leave them without falsely incriminating evidence to use against you, should they abuse you and cause you to react.
- You have to document everything. In a perfect world, an innocent person doesn’t need documentation. Each time you lived up to an obligation, got a pat on the back from others, did the right thing, succeeded, went out of your way, planned that birthday party, paid for the vacation, worked the overtime, etc. needs “receipts.” To a pure empathic soul, collecting positive evidence in favor of yourself is completely foreign. But you will have to do both this as well as collect evidence against your perpetrator. Every time they have broken the law, abused you, broken agreements, refused to cooperate, relied on mind games, and more needs to be documented. Perhaps that is via recorded phone calls with them, nasty voicemails, text messages, emails, or more.
- Interview as many lawyers as possible. Wait until you find one who says they know how to catch a liar in a lie — or enjoy doing so. Give them a very specific example of the lies your narc is attempting to use against you and ask how they would counter. See if you think their answer is reasonable and insightful. In other words, you need someone who knows how to mindfuck a mindfucker. Pure souls are not good at this. Sometimes narcissistic attorneys are, curiously enough, great at this.
- Analyze your attorney’s reviews on Yelp, Facebook, Google, etc. What do the worst reviews accuse them of? Is this something you could potentially live with?
- Check in with your lawyer often. You must make sure they are doing their job. You cannot assume they know what is in your best interests and just automatically do it, then will update you. They need to be checked on as if you were their employer. They may not like it, and it may cost you more money in the end, but if you want to succeed, you need to make yourself visible and clear to them. Remember, they work for you. Narcs already know this but empaths will feel guilty for being “pushy.” But when your life is on the line, sometimes you need to get bossy. Of course, if your attorney has a difference of opinion and wants to direct you otherwise, take their counsel into great consideration.
- Get your ducks in a row. You need to look perfect on paper. Remember, a narc will go into court with the sole intention of finding any weakness and using it against you in order to deflect from the truth. So identify, what are your weaknesses? Do you need a better paying job? Do you need to work more, or find a more flexible schedule? Do you need to add in some acts of public service and volunteering to create a better case for yourself?
- Do not give your narc any evidence against you. I feel torn about telling you this because it is in direct opposition to my beliefs about speaking from the fifth chakra. Just know, if you do or say anything that can be used against you, it will. Personally, I prefer to buck the system rather than engage in it, but often it is safer to adhere to the system in place. “Anything you do or say can and will be used against you.”
- Have explanations for the accusations your narc will bring against you. Think of every which way they could accuse you and have your defense ready. You know your narc better than your lawyer does so no amount of preparatory work your attorney does can compare to what you know the narcissist wants to punish you for.
- Drug test your narc. Narcs are notorious for breaking the law yet acting perfectly lawful on the surface. Exposing their secret drug habits will give you the upper hand nearly every time.
- Never react to them, it only gives them more evidence against you. It also pains me to say this because reacting to abuse is normal. It is normal to react to torture! Sadly though, if you defend yourself it will be used against you. The court expects a victim to look like a soft white virgin doe with beaming innocent eyes who’s never said a curse word in her life, which is totally unrealistic. In other words, they will continue to abuse you and you have to “allow” them, by legal standards. This is ridiculous and unfair but legally, unless someone is threatening to harm or kill you, abuse will not be taken seriously and you will look bad in the eyes of the court for reacting. (Please know I mean methods of intimidation that will not cause you immediate harm. If physical abuse is involved, you should of course, leave or defend yourself when necessary).
- Report everything you can to police, immediately. Do not wait and do not hesitate. If it was illegal, report it and get a copy of the report. If possible, do not tell the narcissist you are reporting it so that they cannot immediately retaliate and turn the problem into a he said/she said shit show.
- Report to other authorities. If the abuse is not something you can report to police because it isn’t under such jurisdiction, then report to H.R., any form of administration, etc. and make sure you receive documentation.
- Understand that the court likely will not care that you’ve been abused. Unless you have multiple pictures or videos of attacks, bruises, black eyes, hospital records, other forms of abusive or illegal activity will not be taken seriously. Now, in some more rare cases, the court does consider abuse to be a serious matter, but in most, it is considered interpretation and therefore, not accepted as a decision-making factor. So yes, you have to have evidence of the abuse in the event the court takes it seriously, even if the court does not end up caring. Again, a ridiculous double standard and completely unfair, but it is the state of the legal system. The court often doesn’t care to distinguish a “mean” person from an abuser. Judges witness nasty behavior from people all day long. Someone mentally or emotionally harming you will barely register on their radar.
- Expect your narcissist to call you abusive. You will need a defense. You will need evidence to the contrary. Everything you say about your narc is what they will immediately turn around and say about you. You need evidence to support yourself as well as prove the abuse.
- Expect your narcissist to call you mentally insane. Get a psychological evaluation by a licensed doctor to prove them wrong. Or, see multiple doctors to get varying opinions in order to build a solid case.
- Compile records of every time you went to counseling, therapy, or a medical appointment due to the abuse. If you can, get records of the counselor’s notes so that you can have a record of what was discussed and how much it impacted your life. A narcissist will likely not have years or decades long notes from therapy sessions because they never believe there is something wrong with them. There is a good chance that you, on the other hand went to counseling to talk about your marriage, work, self-esteem, anxiety, or depression.
- Do as much research as possible. Research local laws, narcissistic behavior, and listen to the stories of those who have succeeded.
- Do not let them intimidate you. Believe me, they will try. They will taunt you, threaten you, remind you how far you have to go to catch up with them. Stay strong and do not let them get to you. This is but a tactic of a very insecure and sociopathic person who is scared of the truth.
Please understand, this isn’t legal advice. This is firsthand advice that I wish someone had told me. Use what works for you. Find new things that should be added to your list. Above all, don’t give up and work tirelessly until you get what is fair.
So you want to leave your narcissist, eh? Good for you! Admitting it is the first step towards the next best part of your life. But first, before you get to the good part, you will have to undergo the process of resolving your karmic debt with this person, which will end up extremely painful, traumatic, lonely or isolating, and well, expensive AF. This may apply to a romantic partner, family member, living partner, co-worker or business associate — it doesn’t really matter the type of relationship; while leaving, major recurrent themes are likely to play out. As an Intuitive, I’m here to be one step ahead and guide you through this process until you feel comfortable recognizing these truths for yourself.
As was true in the relationship, chances are, the underlying assumption was that you were lucky to have them. You were so “beneath” them to begin with. You “lacked” the aptitude, talent, beauty, sexuality, intelligence, social dynamism, or wealth to attract them in the first place, but they did you a “favor” by staying in the relationship for so long. You should be grateful. Not only will they remind you of this, but they will remind everyone they know of how lucky you were to be with them in the first place! Once you make that solid decision to leave and never doubt your choice, they will require you pay them back for all of the times they “loved” or “cared” about you while you were an imperfect human being. And trust me, they’ve certainly been keeping a record.
Here’s why leaving the narc is so costly:
- Putting you at an intentional social disadvantage. A narcissist will initiate a public smear campaign before the victim has even had a chance to process what they have been through or what they are going through. You’ll be so steeped in trauma, trying to put one foot in front of the other and suddenly you’re blindsided by gossip and defamation. Imagine the shame, fear, and anxiety of having to walk into seemingly normal situations (a school, a grocery store, a business) that can now become dangerous — not knowing who you will run into, what terrible things they will have to say to you, or how they will spread further hatred because of your choice to leave. But because narcs are sneaky MFers, they’ll do this so there is little to no evidence trail. Once you wise up and start fighting back to defend yourself and tell your story, they’ll collect the data to use against you as libel or defamation. Them spreading rumors to isolate you from friends and family? Fine. You telling the truth to garner much needed help and support in your time of greatest need? Absolutely unacceptable — and illegal.
- Demanding money. That time they bought you a pair of shoes you didn’t ask for? That time you went to the doctor without their permission (gasp!). That time they took you out to dinner. They’ll want repayment. And yes, they will have receipts. Or, perhaps, they’ll take you to court and sue for the pain and suffering of you leaving them (trust me, it’s real people). So even if you share no legitimate assets together, they will find numerous ways in which they require payment. If you do have assets together (homes, cars, bank accounts, businesses) — whew, watch out, it will get painful and messy and they will believe they are entitled to it all. With no money, no home, possibly no car, it feels damn near impossible to restart your life — or simply not end up homeless.
- You may need new vital documents. If you’re leaving your home with little to no notice, or even a job, you may not be able to grab essentials like your car title, passport, birth certificate, tax statements, and more. You will likely need to order these again and it will become an additional cost you must incur in order to get housing, qualify for electricity and water, get a new job, legally own your car, etc.
- You may not be able to get a new job. If you left an abusive work environment, or if you left an abusive home life in which you were forced to quit your job, your resume may look less than ideal. Employers don’t just care about your skills and aptitude, they largely care about how long you have been at your previous jobs. If your history, due to abuse, is “choppy”, you may have a very hard time finding new employment and remain unemployed for a long time. Trying to explain these situations to new employers often puts a “strike mark” over your name before you can even prove your skills.
- Interrupting normal parent-child bonding. If children are involved in this scenario, your relationship with your child will be severely affected. The narc will intentionally disrupt the normal parent-child bonding that occurred before you left. This is done so that you are put at a disadvantage, always working harder for your child’s trust, respect, and love and so that the narc is always given information by the child which can then be distorted to their benefit. The narc will convince the child you cannot be trusted, are somehow dangerous, and doing something that could harm them. The child comes to associate love from you with danger, which means you will have a more difficult time bonding with them. Both of your heart chakras will be severely affected and it will take lots of time and work to undo the negative programming the narcissist has instilled. People who have not gone through this will not understand why a divorce can’t result in two happy parents and happy children. They do not understand the mental mindfuck of control that a narc will never relinquish so that their devious deeds cannot be perceived by the child. And since you likely do not want to inflict additional pain or suffering on your child, you will not be able to explain the truth to the children involved and they will only be relying on the narc’s version of events until their 18th birthday — or beyond.
- You may need medical assistance or counseling. Going to group or individual therapy after leaving any narcissistic relationship is pretty much standard, and super helpful. I found a women’s-only group therapy to be the most helpful. Individual therapy is difficult if your counselor isn’t very well-versed in narcissistic abuse and its nuances. Additionally, your body is probably going to be ravaged by the incessant, high levels of stress so you will likely need to see specialists. If you have lost a job due to the abuse, you won’t have insurance, which means you may not be able to get proper medical care. By driving you into highly-stressed states, they get “high”, which means you go into the red to support their energy habit.
- Your self-respect and self-worth and now theirs. There is a high chance you will lose both of these in the process of interacting daily with a narc. But as soon as you make the final decision to leave, you will be reminded of the many ways you were always inferior to them. They believe they own your self-worth and because they have convinced so many other people you are beneath them, it will require a very strong person to overcome this form of brainwashing. If everyone else believes you are the scum of the earth, how could you not too? If every time you look into the eyes of friends, family, or acquaintances you used to be friendly with, and you see disgust staring you back in the face, you may begin to believe this about yourself. Remember, that this narc is likely your handler, and therefore, believes themselves to be your “prison guard”, controlling your entire experience here. They have trained you to believe that you need affirmation from them and when you “performed” according to their desires, you sometimes got a small snippet. But you do not need affirmation from the narc or their flying monkeys. You get to decide who you are and how valuable you are.