There’s a good chance you will be taken to court by your narcissist, as you attempt to leave the relationship (whichever kind it may be), or that you will have to take them in order to settle some legal dispute because they will not own up and do the right thing voluntarily. You have to go into this understanding it will be a nasty, pricey, drawn-out battle, and you also have to go into it knowing that everything you assume about the legal system will not apply in this case — and that includes advice from well-meaning people who have never faced a narc in court.
See, narcissists are masters at working the system — any system — and the same is certainly true when it comes to matters in a court of law. As an empathic person, you likely have never been privy to the level of greed, deception, and distortions that a narc becomes capable of once put in the spotlight in court so you must go into this battle with as much knowledge and preparation as possible. Truly, until you have lived it, there is no way you could believe what these people are capable of. Even if someone had tried to explain it to you previously, you would have written them off and discounted them as crazy or dramatic.
I will be honest with you: it is possible to beat your narcissist in court, but it is also going to be a daily battle because you always have to be three steps ahead and you can never let your guard down. It is truly like taking a second job and will consume your time because see, a narc never stops, which means you can never stop either. While you’re being drained by the situation, they, on the other hand, are being stimulated by it so you are at a natural disadvantage. It is up to you whether or not that battle is something you can engage in. Depending upon what is on the line or at stake, you may choose to surrender altogether, give them what they want, or no longer desire to try to fight for the upper hand in the situation. It’s up to you, as always.
To be honest, succeeding against a narc in court is a bit like spotting some mythical creature out in the wild. It’s rare, requires lots of patience and faith, you’ll hit your lowest points because you think it will never happen, you get your hopes up often, when you tell someone about it they don’t believe you, and you usually experience it alone. Frankly, in most cases, victims lose. Please don’t let that scare you. A victim losing to a narc is common because of the tactics narcs use, and it is never the victim’s fault. But I do believe by being utterly prepared, you can make the best decisions in the most unfair of situations, and hopefully, come out on top against the deception instead of feeling completely blindsided by their aptitude for working the law in their favor.
- You cannot be passive. You must always be on your guard. This is incredibly painful because you’re adding the stress of staying hyper-vigilant on top of preexisting stress from abuse. You will have to get legally active and not expect the legal authorities to do the work for you. You have to be an active participant in the system because your narc certainly will have their hands on every document, paper trail, and date necessary for their win.
- Be 1-3 steps ahead of them. You know them better than you think. You have observed, reflected, and experienced the sting of their wrath. You can predict what they will do next and therefore, be prepared to offset the challenges they present. Are they leading you into admitting to something you didn’t do? Are they insinuating something that didn’t occur? Are they sending you into an entrapment scenario to make you look bad? Are they vague on purpose to later manipulate you in an effort to prove “ill will?” Use your intuition to discern what the end game is for them, and therefore, proactively protect yourself before they can do it.
- Have no pattern. Everyone has patterns they naturally fall into: patterns of thinking, patterns of communication, patterns of action and inaction. Much like a boxing match, football game, or high-stakes game of strategy, they know how to push your buttons and will do so on purpose to elicit certain responses that can be used against you. Therefore, if you do not allow them to learn your pattern, they will not be able to anticipate what you will do next, which will leave them without falsely incriminating evidence to use against you, should they abuse you and cause you to react.
- You have to document everything. In a perfect world, an innocent person doesn’t need documentation. Each time you lived up to an obligation, got a pat on the back from others, did the right thing, succeeded, went out of your way, planned that birthday party, paid for the vacation, worked the overtime, etc. needs “receipts.” To a pure empathic soul, collecting positive evidence in favor of yourself is completely foreign. But you will have to do both this as well as collect evidence against your perpetrator. Every time they have broken the law, abused you, broken agreements, refused to cooperate, relied on mind games, and more needs to be documented. Perhaps that is via recorded phone calls with them, nasty voicemails, text messages, emails, or more.
- Interview as many lawyers as possible. Wait until you find one who says they know how to catch a liar in a lie — or enjoy doing so. Give them a very specific example of the lies your narc is attempting to use against you and ask how they would counter. See if you think their answer is reasonable and insightful. In other words, you need someone who knows how to mindfuck a mindfucker. Pure souls are not good at this. Sometimes narcissistic attorneys are, curiously enough, great at this.
- Analyze your attorney’s reviews on Yelp, Facebook, Google, etc. What do the worst reviews accuse them of? Is this something you could potentially live with?
- Check in with your lawyer often. You must make sure they are doing their job. You cannot assume they know what is in your best interests and just automatically do it, then will update you. They need to be checked on as if you were their employer. They may not like it, and it may cost you more money in the end, but if you want to succeed, you need to make yourself visible and clear to them. Remember, they work for you. Narcs already know this but empaths will feel guilty for being “pushy.” But when your life is on the line, sometimes you need to get bossy. Of course, if your attorney has a difference of opinion and wants to direct you otherwise, take their counsel into great consideration.
- Get your ducks in a row. You need to look perfect on paper. Remember, a narc will go into court with the sole intention of finding any weakness and using it against you in order to deflect from the truth. So identify, what are your weaknesses? Do you need a better paying job? Do you need to work more, or find a more flexible schedule? Do you need to add in some acts of public service and volunteering to create a better case for yourself?
- Do not give your narc any evidence against you. I feel torn about telling you this because it is in direct opposition to my beliefs about speaking from the fifth chakra. Just know, if you do or say anything that can be used against you, it will. Personally, I prefer to buck the system rather than engage in it, but often it is safer to adhere to the system in place. “Anything you do or say can and will be used against you.”
- Have explanations for the accusations your narc will bring against you. Think of every which way they could accuse you and have your defense ready. You know your narc better than your lawyer does so no amount of preparatory work your attorney does can compare to what you know the narcissist wants to punish you for.
- Drug test your narc. Narcs are notorious for breaking the law yet acting perfectly lawful on the surface. Exposing their secret drug habits will give you the upper hand nearly every time.
- Never react to them, it only gives them more evidence against you. It also pains me to say this because reacting to abuse is normal. It is normal to react to torture! Sadly though, if you defend yourself it will be used against you. The court expects a victim to look like a soft white virgin doe with beaming innocent eyes who’s never said a curse word in her life, which is totally unrealistic. In other words, they will continue to abuse you and you have to “allow” them, by legal standards. This is ridiculous and unfair but legally, unless someone is threatening to harm or kill you, abuse will not be taken seriously and you will look bad in the eyes of the court for reacting. (Please know I mean methods of intimidation that will not cause you immediate harm. If physical abuse is involved, you should of course, leave or defend yourself when necessary).
- Report everything you can to police, immediately. Do not wait and do not hesitate. If it was illegal, report it and get a copy of the report. If possible, do not tell the narcissist you are reporting it so that they cannot immediately retaliate and turn the problem into a he said/she said shit show.
- Report to other authorities. If the abuse is not something you can report to police because it isn’t under such jurisdiction, then report to H.R., any form of administration, etc. and make sure you receive documentation.
- Understand that the court likely will not care that you’ve been abused. Unless you have multiple pictures or videos of attacks, bruises, black eyes, hospital records, other forms of abusive or illegal activity will not be taken seriously. Now, in some more rare cases, the court does consider abuse to be a serious matter, but in most, it is considered interpretation and therefore, not accepted as a decision-making factor. So yes, you have to have evidence of the abuse in the event the court takes it seriously, even if the court does not end up caring. Again, a ridiculous double standard and completely unfair, but it is the state of the legal system. The court often doesn’t care to distinguish a “mean” person from an abuser. Judges witness nasty behavior from people all day long. Someone mentally or emotionally harming you will barely register on their radar.
- Expect your narcissist to call you abusive. You will need a defense. You will need evidence to the contrary. Everything you say about your narc is what they will immediately turn around and say about you. You need evidence to support yourself as well as prove the abuse.
- Expect your narcissist to call you mentally insane. Get a psychological evaluation by a licensed doctor to prove them wrong. Or, see multiple doctors to get varying opinions in order to build a solid case.
- Compile records of every time you went to counseling, therapy, or a medical appointment due to the abuse. If you can, get records of the counselor’s notes so that you can have a record of what was discussed and how much it impacted your life. A narcissist will likely not have years or decades long notes from therapy sessions because they never believe there is something wrong with them. There is a good chance that you, on the other hand went to counseling to talk about your marriage, work, self-esteem, anxiety, or depression.
- Do as much research as possible. Research local laws, narcissistic behavior, and listen to the stories of those who have succeeded.
- Do not let them intimidate you. Believe me, they will try. They will taunt you, threaten you, remind you how far you have to go to catch up with them. Stay strong and do not let them get to you. This is but a tactic of a very insecure and sociopathic person who is scared of the truth.
Please understand, this isn’t legal advice. This is firsthand advice that I wish someone had told me. Use what works for you. Find new things that should be added to your list. Above all, don’t give up and work tirelessly until you get what is fair.
So you want to leave your narcissist, eh? Good for you! Admitting it is the first step towards the next best part of your life. But first, before you get to the good part, you will have to undergo the process of resolving your karmic debt with this person, which will end up extremely painful, traumatic, lonely or isolating, and well, expensive AF. This may apply to a romantic partner, family member, living partner, co-worker or business associate — it doesn’t really matter the type of relationship; while leaving, major recurrent themes are likely to play out. As an Intuitive, I’m here to be one step ahead and guide you through this process until you feel comfortable recognizing these truths for yourself.
As was true in the relationship, chances are, the underlying assumption was that you were lucky to have them. You were so “beneath” them to begin with. You “lacked” the aptitude, talent, beauty, sexuality, intelligence, social dynamism, or wealth to attract them in the first place, but they did you a “favor” by staying in the relationship for so long. You should be grateful. Not only will they remind you of this, but they will remind everyone they know of how lucky you were to be with them in the first place! Once you make that solid decision to leave and never doubt your choice, they will require you pay them back for all of the times they “loved” or “cared” about you while you were an imperfect human being. And trust me, they’ve certainly been keeping a record.
Here’s why leaving the narc is so costly:
- Putting you at an intentional social disadvantage. A narcissist will initiate a public smear campaign before the victim has even had a chance to process what they have been through or what they are going through. You’ll be so steeped in trauma, trying to put one foot in front of the other and suddenly you’re blindsided by gossip and defamation. Imagine the shame, fear, and anxiety of having to walk into seemingly normal situations (a school, a grocery store, a business) that can now become dangerous — not knowing who you will run into, what terrible things they will have to say to you, or how they will spread further hatred because of your choice to leave. But because narcs are sneaky MFers, they’ll do this so there is little to no evidence trail. Once you wise up and start fighting back to defend yourself and tell your story, they’ll collect the data to use against you as libel or defamation. Them spreading rumors to isolate you from friends and family? Fine. You telling the truth to garner much needed help and support in your time of greatest need? Absolutely unacceptable — and illegal.
- Demanding money. That time they bought you a pair of shoes you didn’t ask for? That time you went to the doctor without their permission (gasp!). That time they took you out to dinner. They’ll want repayment. And yes, they will have receipts. Or, perhaps, they’ll take you to court and sue for the pain and suffering of you leaving them (trust me, it’s real people). So even if you share no legitimate assets together, they will find numerous ways in which they require payment. If you do have assets together (homes, cars, bank accounts, businesses) — whew, watch out, it will get painful and messy and they will believe they are entitled to it all. With no money, no home, possibly no car, it feels damn near impossible to restart your life — or simply not end up homeless.
- You may need new vital documents. If you’re leaving your home with little to no notice, or even a job, you may not be able to grab essentials like your car title, passport, birth certificate, tax statements, and more. You will likely need to order these again and it will become an additional cost you must incur in order to get housing, qualify for electricity and water, get a new job, legally own your car, etc.
- You may not be able to get a new job. If you left an abusive work environment, or if you left an abusive home life in which you were forced to quit your job, your resume may look less than ideal. Employers don’t just care about your skills and aptitude, they largely care about how long you have been at your previous jobs. If your history, due to abuse, is “choppy”, you may have a very hard time finding new employment and remain unemployed for a long time. Trying to explain these situations to new employers often puts a “strike mark” over your name before you can even prove your skills.
- Interrupting normal parent-child bonding. If children are involved in this scenario, your relationship with your child will be severely affected. The narc will intentionally disrupt the normal parent-child bonding that occurred before you left. This is done so that you are put at a disadvantage, always working harder for your child’s trust, respect, and love and so that the narc is always given information by the child which can then be distorted to their benefit. The narc will convince the child you cannot be trusted, are somehow dangerous, and doing something that could harm them. The child comes to associate love from you with danger, which means you will have a more difficult time bonding with them. Both of your heart chakras will be severely affected and it will take lots of time and work to undo the negative programming the narcissist has instilled. People who have not gone through this will not understand why a divorce can’t result in two happy parents and happy children. They do not understand the mental mindfuck of control that a narc will never relinquish so that their devious deeds cannot be perceived by the child. And since you likely do not want to inflict additional pain or suffering on your child, you will not be able to explain the truth to the children involved and they will only be relying on the narc’s version of events until their 18th birthday — or beyond.
- You may need medical assistance or counseling. Going to group or individual therapy after leaving any narcissistic relationship is pretty much standard, and super helpful. I found a women’s-only group therapy to be the most helpful. Individual therapy is difficult if your counselor isn’t very well-versed in narcissistic abuse and its nuances. Additionally, your body is probably going to be ravaged by the incessant, high levels of stress so you will likely need to see specialists. If you have lost a job due to the abuse, you won’t have insurance, which means you may not be able to get proper medical care. By driving you into highly-stressed states, they get “high”, which means you go into the red to support their energy habit.
- Your self-respect and self-worth and now theirs. There is a high chance you will lose both of these in the process of interacting daily with a narc. But as soon as you make the final decision to leave, you will be reminded of the many ways you were always inferior to them. They believe they own your self-worth and because they have convinced so many other people you are beneath them, it will require a very strong person to overcome this form of brainwashing. If everyone else believes you are the scum of the earth, how could you not too? If every time you look into the eyes of friends, family, or acquaintances you used to be friendly with, and you see disgust staring you back in the face, you may begin to believe this about yourself. Remember, that this narc is likely your handler, and therefore, believes themselves to be your “prison guard”, controlling your entire experience here. They have trained you to believe that you need affirmation from them and when you “performed” according to their desires, you sometimes got a small snippet. But you do not need affirmation from the narc or their flying monkeys. You get to decide who you are and how valuable you are.
Here’s a secret you likely haven’t heard before: the family you were born into may or may not be spiritually related to you. Once you understand this truth, you can begin to put the pieces of your life experiences — and wounding — together at a rapid rate. You can begin to see why, despite being born to certain people, you have never quite meshed, gotten along, or viewed the world in the same way. You will also understand the trauma that, perhaps, was passed down to you via this family line and why overcoming it is such a challenge.
Except in cases of formal or informal adoption, you will, yes, be biologically related to the family you were born into but you may not be related to these people beyond the physical plane. Though these things will also be true for those adopted, the difference, of course, is that these truths exist solely in the spiritual plane rather than a mixture of physical and spiritual and physical karmic bonds may be more difficult to trace back (especially in the case of closed adoptions). Or, it may become more clear that the caregivers who adopted you are in fact your spiritual relatives despite not being blood related, which can ease some pain and heartache that is sometimes associated with adoption.
If you were born already knowing who your parents are, however, it may be much easier to identify the discrepancies between what you have been taught is normal and what you actually experienced as a child. You may see why the “love” that you were given was a manufactured, cheap copycat of what real love is, and therefore, be able to find your way back to your soul origins and true purpose here much faster.
The 3 types of spiritual bonds between parents and children:
- Children who are not related to their parents karmically or dharmically. These are the kids who in no way, shape, or form model their parents behavior, line of thinking, social or religious ideals, and sometimes even their appearances. They genuinely seem like they were dropped from the sky, a stranger living in a strange land and often forgo any ancestral expectations about who they are and whom they should become. In a sea of conformity, they are the ones who forge ahead on their own path and don’t care much about what their family members think of it. They are the ones who seem to “break the mold” and share almost nothing in common with their family of origin. They may go on to pursue their talents and desires much to the chagrin of their family and follow no preexisting expectations on their existence. Because there are no past-life karmic bonds holding them back, they do not feel compelled to appease their parents, grandparents, siblings, or aunts and uncles. They are free to truly be themselves despite any judgment or punishment in the here and now. They typically have a deep sense of who they are and are able to compare and contrast how they were raised, who those around them choose to be, and who they feel they are inside their soul. They see the karma all around them, as evidenced in how other family members are treating each other, and want nothing to do with it. Because there exists such a huge discrepancy between who this child is and the people and environment in which they were raised, they are able to make peace with their uniqueness and pursue it in the world relatively unaffected. In other words, they pursue their own dharma earlier in life and have little holding them back. They generally do not desire nor require the affirmation from family that they are on the “right” path.
- Children who are products of twin flame relationships, and therefore share a karmic bonD WITH RELATIVES. These are the family dynamics that sometimes look very messy on the surface. The family is rife with feuds, scandals, gossip, and pain. Other times, the trauma, wounding, and abuse is hidden beneath the facade of happiness because everyone is playing their assigned role so well in order to avoid unpleasant truths from rising. Being born to twin flame parents means you have two very different sides of the self. One is who you actually are and one is who you have inherited or been forced to become. The self becomes a dirty little secret because it does not fit in with your parents’ beliefs or expectations. Also, if your real self were to rise up, it would elicit a loss of control within relationships, by way of karma being exposed. In other words, these children inherit their parents’ wounding, and their parents’ before them, and on and on. Additionally, these feuds and pain cycles extend beyond the immediately family most often and affect all members of the extended family. In past lives, you were not the current roles you find yourself in now but did share adverse experiences that were never resolved. Because, most likely, no one has ever known to — or wanted to — break the cycles of karmic debt, children inherit all of their parents chakra wounding and ancestral baggage. This can include ancestral baggage related to money, sex, love, fear and stress, free thought and free speech, and more. It is as if you must become just like your parents because if you do not, you would expose their wounding and make them uncomfortable. Therefore, children become the products of their parents arguments, power plays, and deception. Overcoming this wounding is of course possible (as I detail in great depth in my book How to Become Intuitive), but it is not fun nor easy and it will completely disrupt the karmic relationships you have been born into because it will expose the dysfunction everyone assumed was normal.
- Children who are born to soulmates and therefore are fully integrated spiritually and share a dharmic bond. These are the children that will begin to be born in the next few years as the masculine and feminine integrate themselves and finally resolve their karmic debt. While they have been born in previous generations, we will see a sudden influx as their parents now understand and feel compelled to ascend. They are the true spiritual descendants of two fully conscious, fifth-dimensional beings who have learned their past and present life lessons and activated their chakras. Theses kids will be given one masculine source and one feminine source from divine parents who have overcome the 3D matrix prison system. In contrast with twin flame children who are only given one “source” (aka energy or spark of life), they will have two which is the true vibration and frequency of the harmony and duality of the divine. They will not only remember what source energy feels like, they will be source energy. Because of this, these children will not experience the same degree of hardship and trauma that is considered normal on planet earth. While they will still be born into a “fallen” reality, they will be, at birth, set apart from it, knowing their worth and value, and understanding they do not need to engage in it because they lack nothing. They will come into the world understanding their supernatural origins, and begin pursuing their dharma — or, true and fortunate life path — from the earliest age. They will contribute great gifts to humanity and be considered an essential and ingenious tool for helping humanity to ascend.