Victim shaming is a real phenomenon. It is whereby the perpetrator or bystanders to the abuse blame the victim for what has transpired, minimize the severity of the situation, support the perpetrator in order to hurt the victim, find things wrong with the victim in order to turn a blind eye, or shame the victim for how they reacted to the abuse.
My work is a reflection of what I have been through in my life because I see how much I needed someone to say these things while I was going through the muck of my thyroid disease nearly 10 years ago (when a blocked throat/thyroid chakra finally caught up with me). I have seen in my work with clients over the last seven years that nutrition is one element of a healthy life but getting to the root of stress is another essential component.
I needed someone to say these things 20 or 30 years ago, and I needed someone to say them over the last couple of years. Because I didn’t get that, I pour my words of encouragement and illumination of one’s core wounds and life lessons into my clients. It’s hard to find people who see the truth and will tell you the truth you so desperately want and need to hear. I have made that my life’s work.
It’s difficult and sometimes nearly impossible to see it when you are in it, but chances are there are some of you dealing with abuse at this very moment. (See this Power and Control Wheel to determine if you have been abused). Or chances are you grew up in abuse but no one called it that because you were middle or upper class, had no family drug history, went to church, got good grades or have a good job, made fun of the family oddities and trauma, and carried on an otherwise normal life. But deep down there was something wrong that you couldn’t — and perhaps still can’t — put your finger on.
Your physical body will only allow you to go so many years in the facade, sleep-walking state before symptoms start to present themselves. The longer we live in states of denial or cognitive dissonance, the greater a physical reaction our bodies will have to cope with the stress. Eventually disease or illness will ensue.
You see, abuse is a total ego annihilator — both for you and for others. And few people want their ego annihilated. Which is why victims often have to go at it alone or choose to deny it in the first place. It forces people to see the reality they have been ignoring, or choosing to ignore. It forces the truth to the surface and it forces the subconscious experiences that we have stuffed down and hidden away to come bubbling up.
Abuse forces the victim to confront the ego of every single person around them and all the cover stories they have been living: “I’m so happy. Everything is great.” Abuse victims live their lives catering to the egos of everyone around them in hopes the abuse will end; in hopes they will no longer be a target. Unfortunately that only prolongs the amount of time you are in the abusive situation because perpetrators rarely change. Sadly, it is up to us to get out. There is likely no one coming to your rescue. We have to put our foot down and say “no more”, “not me”, and “not today”. We have to finally stand our ground.
Once you do that, life will feel like it is falling apart. People will retract their love and support. Those you thought you could count on are suddenly nowhere to be found. Your job and home may change; your financial security, your routine, your friends, your family. And your perpetrator will have flipped the story line so they are the victims and they deserve the love and goodwill of everyone around them.
You will be told terrible things and wonder what these people are thinking. “Why won’t they see the reality?’ you will ask yourself. The answer is because it would uproot their entire ego, belief system, and comfort if they were to sympathize with you and understand your situation. It would force ego change and only those on a soul growth journey are willing to annihilate their ego. Most want to forgo this very important life lesson.
My work as an Intuitive is to prepare you for what may happen once you own up to your life lessons and the reality of what is happening to you. I want you to be prepared so when difficulties arise, you can think back to this information and tell yourself, “This is normal, this is what may happen, I can do this.” Without preparation and confirmation of these things, it will cause greater cognitive dissonance and physical illness. So please be prepared if you choose to say “yes” to your life lessons. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done but staying in a situation that will not get better, or pretending like past situations were healthy will never make you feel whole and you will never find true healing.
Things I was told as I left abuse and things you will likely hear too:
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- It’s always two people’s fault.
- I hope you’re happy with how hard you have made this.
- You destroyed my ego.
- Nothing I did was illegal.
- She’s a mess.
- I saw the abuse but it’s not my business, so I won’t get involved.
- I never liked her to begin with.
- I’m sorry you feel that [abuse] happened.
- They’re not my perpetrator.
- Don’t say a word about it.
- Eh, you can deal with it.
- She wants attention for telling her story.
- I’ve definitely put my hands on someone in a relationship — I’m pretty sure that’s normal.
- How many times did it happen?
- The perpetrator and their family are so great.
- You shouldn’t have said anything.
- The perpetrator told me you defended yourself/fought back so how can you be a victim?
- What you think happened isn’t what really happened.
- You’re too sensitive.
Remember, no matter what you are going through, you are capable of dealing with it and handling it. If one of your life lessons is to recognize and get out of abuse, or process the abuse you have already endured, it is possible to succeed. Part of healing your thyroid is about sharing your story and that is a power no one can take away from you once you start telling the truth.
Unfortunately, you will likely have to go at this alone. Ideally you should seek community support and professional help. But remember, others not offering support is not about you and it is not about the veracity of the abuse; it’s about the strong ego holds of those around you. Reality doesn’t change because of denial so don’t internalize the things they say. Please be safe and get out while you still can.