My paternal grandmother was the kind of cliche you think about when you think of grandparents. She treated me like her prize, her first-grandchild gem after raising four boys, her princess. She didn’t like many people, but she liked me and that meant something. She snuck me treats, bought me altogether age-inappropriate fashion magazines, showed me off, and let me watch movies I shouldn’t have. Movies that scared me though I pretended to be fine; movies that my mother would never allow.
For years I had nightmares about The Wizard of Oz after we watched it together. “A classic” she called it. The Wicked Witch of the West came to me in dreams and woke me up in an anxious sweat: her shoes under the house, her hovering over a rocking chair in our living room, her cackle and monkeys who did her bidding. I knew she wasn’t real but that movie scared me for years.
Only years later did I learn packs of flying monkeys aren’t always fictional, at least when it comes to narcissistic abuse. I have no idea who coined the psychological term “flying monkey” but it is a distinct variation of narcissistic abuse, inflicted by those in the periphery of the abuse — not the actual abuser themselves. Yes, there are people who will abuse you by proxy — and enjoy it.
You see, narcissistic personalities do not like to get their hands dirty. They prefer their indiscretions to be more, well, discrete. They like when others do their bidding for them, much like the Wicked Witch. Flying monkeys are enablers of abuse, plain and simple. These are the friends, family, and acquaintances of the perpetrator who believe the false storylines the perp has sold them — that they themselves are the victim. Because of this, the monkeys will do anything they can to harm, hurt, and control the victim so the victim has no support as they leave abuse, or so that the victim questions their decision to leave. They cause doubt, insecurity, instability, and fear. They participate in the abuse by further harming the victim.
These people believe they are doing the narcissist a big favor by “getting back” at the victim for them. They pretend to be like-minded or compassionate to the victim in order to get information they can relay back to the perp: they spy and they spread rumors and participate in smear campaigns. What they do not realize is that getting back at someone for someone else’s sake will never be a good deed, no matter how you slice it. They are under the strong energetic control of the abuser who will give them certain benefits if they do their bidding, including social standing, attention, favors, etc. so they play along.
Narcissism rests on a bed of secrets and lies. In order for the lies to continue, a group of accomplices must uphold the narcissists version of reality because the victim no longer is. “He’s such a good guy”, “She’s so religious”, “He’s so funny”, “She’s such a caring person” will no longer be believed if the truth about the mental, emotional, or physical abuse were to surface. So the abuser goes out of their way to create alternative storylines and insert others into these stories so they are not exposed. Because others care for the narc or again, receive some sort of compensation, they are willing to do their bidding.
Abuse does not exist in a vacuum. As such, everyone surrounding the abuse will be touched by it. As an empath, these things can be hard to reconcile because you want to assume the best of others, believe they will have your back, think they will help you, and you see the good in them. You will not understand how someone you loved and cared for would enjoy harming someone who is already a victim. But the reality is that many people get off on hurting others. Only when you have been through it can you see the sad, sick truth.
If you are considering leaving abuse, please keep these things in mind. It is not enough to escape your abuser. You must also escape the flying monkeys who will be sent after you. They will make things feel impossible. They will throw wrench after wrench in your path. As I have said before, pick them up and tighten the screws. Do not allow them to make you trip or fall. The monkeys are only sent to prevent you from resolving your karma with the abuser. They will trigger your core wounds. They will make you ask yourself “if this really worth it?” They will show you you are about to lose everything.
Abuse is a community issue and leaving the community as well as your abuser will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Let these people go. You deserve relationships with people who will not inflict pain on you for someone else’s benefit. They had the opportunity to resolve the karma in the situation but they chose to close their minds and eyes. They had the chance to develop their intuition and read between the lines. They didn’t. Let go of your karma with them. They were never good for you anyway.
Follow me on Instagram and watch my video for more of my take on flying monkeys.
Let me put it to you straight: abuse makes absolutely no sense — at least not for anyone but the perpetrator. Abuse always was and always will be about control. It is also about the perverse, devious inner world of a very sick person; a person so stuck in their ego because of their own traumatic experiences that they are willing to live a lie the rest of their life in order to make others miserable.
Like many people, I had no real knowledge of abuse until I was forced to come face to face with the reality of what I had been dealing with my entire life without realizing it. I had upheld other people’s realities so I wouldn’t be punished, I changed who I was to make others happy, I apologized when I upset others with the truth, I allowed myself to become sick so others could be healthy, I accepted the brunt of the anger/frustration/resentment so others wouldn’t have to, I bit the bullet; I had been told how terrible I was despite loving and caring for others, I had been neglected, ignored, and hit. I had been told I was a piece of shit, so I believed it.
Many of us have lived lifetime after lifetime of abuse, but because no one else ever called it that, were entirely unaware. Because our abusers said they loved us, said they cared, said they were doing this for our own good, we didn’t know the truth.
In order to truly understand why abuse happens, we must look at it from a 5D perspective. It is the only thing I have found to help me and my clients truly integrate and understand what has happened to them and why. This doesn’t mean I think abuse happens “for a good reason” or that anyone deserved it. It doesn’t mean anyone caused it or had it coming. It doesn’t mean I think abuse should ever happen or anyone should ever “put up” with it. It means the origins are so far distant that trying to understand abuse in the here and now will only drive survivors crazy because it is completely illogical. If you take a few big steps back and see this as an inter-generational, ancient cycle, then you can finally understand and heal. Let me explain.
Affirming their reality. Why and how an abusers chooses a target is no mystery. In general, narcissistic people are attracted to empathic people because we are so damn good at upholding other people’s false realities. We are so good at affirming their egos. We are sensitive and recognize when someone is mad, upset, and frustrated then we go out of our way to smooth things over, to try to make life better for them. Narcissists seek out people who will affirm their ego, bottom line. Empaths are prime prey here because it is our coping mechanism. We do this without thinking. We do it as a survival tactic.
This is important to recognize because you have been doing this for many many lifetimes. The origins may be in the here and now (based on a difficult childhood), yes. But more than likely, you have seen how living our your truth, your reality, has resulted in harsh punishment, torment, and death. Your soul has learned that playing the life game means adapting to other people’s truth and if you didn’t, you faced consequences. They know this instinctively. You have always done it for them before. It’s why they’re attracted to you in the first place.
Victim shaming. During or after abuse, you will likely seek out people to help you, to understand, to invest time and care. What you will find is that these people are hard to come by. What you will find is that the victim gets blamed for what has happened to him or her. “How many times did it happen?” Only a few times? Then what’s the big deal?”, “What were you wearing?”, “You fought back? Well they had a right to do that to you”, “You’re not perfect either, so why are you complaining?”, “Well, that’s not what the perpetrator told me”, is what a victim commonly hears.
This is what blew my mind the most, as I learned about abuse firsthand. As an empath, when someone comes to you, you listen, you care, you believe. Even if you have questions or doubts, you still do your best to affirm what they have been through and come up with solutions. You still try to help. But society by and large has still not reached this evolutionary point. They still blame the person who acknowledged the problem. The only reasonable explanation for this is that believing the victim would disrupt the karmic script. It would force others out of their ego, their cognitive dissonance and the preconceived notions their soul is living out from past lifetimes. It would force change. In doing so, it would cause others to develop empathy and compassion and give up control.
It is as if you are standing on a highway and see a bus is about to hit you. You yell to the people around you, “help! I’m about to get hit” and they look at you blankly and tell you you are exaggerating. They cannot hear you. When an entire community, family, or circle of friends turns against a victim in order to support a perpetrator, they are saying, “we don’t want to ascend. We want to maintain the patterns we always have. We like our egos, thank you very much.” Because of this, there is no way to get through to them — their egos are keeping them from acknowledging the abuse in the first place and gives them “permission” to blame and shame the victim. Anyone who refuses to accept what a victim is saying is acting out the age-old karma once again.
Knowing your worst fears. Even if you have never communicated your deepest fears, perpetrators know exactly how they can get you to do what they want. They know how to inflict the worst kinds of pain on you, based on what you fear. There is a good chance even you as a victim do not know what your worst fear is. But your abuser does. How do they know this? Because they have done it to you — or tried to do it to you — before.
This is an intuitive reaction based on what they have done to you in past lifetimes. Only when it actually transpires will you see that they knew all along. That’s what you were hoping to avoid by consciously or subconsciously playing along. You were affirming their ego to avoid the karma they would inevitably inflict on you. I will warn you: whatever was not resolved in previous lifetimes will come back tenfold. The karma will keep building up and getting worse lifetime after lifetime until something is done about. As I have said before, it is a symptom of a sick society where the onus is on the victim to make things better, but please find a safe way to get away from them once and for all and resolve any lingering debt between the two of you (in the form of money, legal agreements, promises, etc).
They pull you back in. Perpetrators rarely go away without further entanglement. The cat and mouse game is what is most fun to them. Remember, it is all about control. You try to escape, they draw you in with threats, brainwashing, insults, or further attachment (“look, I can be nice! Lets go to dinner. Look at these flowers I bought you” — only for the cycle to repeat all over again.) It can become impossible for a victim to reconcile the way the person is sometimes nice and sometimes terrible. They give the abuser chance after chance to change. Getting out of their karmic grip will require you to be so headstrong that you decide you want to resolve your karma with them and never return to their control tactics, even if they can be nice for a little while; they will always revert back to the control.
Abusers are preying on your cognitive dissonance. They don’t want you to leave because if you do, you resolve your karma. If you want to truly get away, you usually have to fight for your life. You have to acknowledge your cognitive dissonance about who they are, stop giving them the free pass, and decide in your heart that you will never return. We know statistically that most survivors go back to their perps time and time again. It often is impossible to leave because of children, finances, threats, social pressures, and more. But as someone who has done it, I promise you — no matter how impossible it appears, you can do it. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You may lose everything but yourself. Do it anyway.
We’ve entered the Age of Aquarius. It’s been written about, sung about, and foretold. It’s an era of taking off the masks, righting the wrongs, and pursuing revolution. It’s weird, eccentric, and raw. It is honest and requires a connectivity — within ourselves, the world, and experiences — like no other. It is getting to the heart of the matter and no longer pretending or glossing over. It is a time of innovation, for natural genius to rise, and a great big karmic reckoning. I hope you’re as excited about it as I am.
In this age, the old systems we have been indoctrinated into, the falsehoods and standardization will — and are — coming crashing down. It is a chance to access your true soul nature, rather than play the part others have written you into. You are a divine being having a physical experience and while we have long been talked out of this truth, it is rising. You are being asked to follow your soul’s longings rather than what societal demands have expected from you thus far. The role you have been playing is but a crumb compared to who you really are.
This time will allow and in fact, demand of you, to become your true self rather than “just the mom”, “just the employee”, “just the realtor”, “just the child”, just the… whatever. You are not your role and while we once identified as the person with the job, the family, the income level, the education level, the activities, the religion, the age, the community — you are so much more.
Becoming a multi-dimensional being means you accept all that you are, all that you have been, and all you are capable of becoming. It means you stop identifying with the 3D external factors and start seeing yourself as a soul who always was and always will be. It means integrating all of the experiences your soul has had and no longer defining yourself by the bad things or good things but by seeing everything was but a lesson that aided in your soul’s growth. Accepting that you are multi-dimensional also means you recognize all of your skills and talents and put them to use, rather than focusing on one or another. You are all of it. And if you want to be able to cope in the age of the eccentric, soulful revolutionary, you must finally accept and integrate your soul.
How to become a multi-dimensional being:
Allow 3D and 5D timelines to collide. As I have written about before, we are being asked to stop clinging to the 3D timelines that tell us we have to accomplish certain things before a certain age, before the next bill is due, before the holidays come, and by the time our ego or others demand. The divine is in control and we can no longer expect anything to happen by a certain time frame. Allowing the 3D and 5D timelines to collide means that you will no longer be surprised when past life lessons, wounds, people, or situations enter your present moment. This can come in the form of intuitive messages, dreams, gut reactions, feelings of deja vu, synchronicities, and meetings with certain strangers or people we already know. Yes, you have been here before, done this before, and you have known them before. Don’t be startled. Do not question, “is what I am feeling or seeing real? Can I trust myself?” The divine is trying it’s damnedest to assist you. Let it.
Remember who you were in past lives. Who you are today — your health, your habits, your likes and dislikes, your talents, and your wounds are all a reflection of past cycles that were never acknowledged. You don’t consciously know you have been here before but your soul does. First, you must identify the karma. Then you must resolve the karma in the situations you are in so you can finally move forward into your true life’s purpose rather than being dragged down by karma, stress, problems, and indebtedness. You are all of it.
Stop identifying with your physical body. You are a soul who has a body, not the other way around. Your weight, how you look naked, the wrinkles and fine lines — they mean nothing when it comes to the strength and beauty of your soul. Stop judging and punishing your body. Stop expecting it to be something other than what it is. Yes, pursuing good health is worth it and virtuous. But the shame, fear, and anxiety that attachment to our physical form produces is not worth it. Society may be disappointed when you don’t look a certain way but the divine does not give two shits if you look like the model or actress. You were made to be unique and your life experiences have created the person you see in front of you. See the strength of your soul before judging if your physical form fits someone else’s mold.
Access your gifts and pursue them. Your talents are not a mistake. We have been told to accept one or two of our talents and pursue them. We are standardized, sent to school to pick a specialty, told to pick the one route and show only that one gift to the world. You have many skills you can put to use — not just one or two. Accept them all, pursue them all, and finally share them with the world — even if they are weird, different, can’t make you money, and something others do not like. Combine them and create new systems, structures, and revenue. Stop putting your soul in a box of “either, or”.
Do not hide your inner wisdom for other people’s benefit. Age is but a number and it can do serious harm when you identify with it. Your soul’s wisdom is infinite and timeless. You are not your physical age and you carry wisdom from many lifetimes on Earth. Young and old alike are wise and well-seasoned in the art of living. If you are young, speak the truth even if people call you inexperienced or silly. If you are older, speak the truth even if younger people don’t want to listen.
Open your chakras. This gets said a lot. It sounds cliche at this point. But I assure you, the chakras are real. As an energetically sensitive person, I read this on myself and others all day long. Where is the energy in your physical body and soul blocked? Where are you wounded? Do energy clearings and exercise the principle of the opposite in order to open your chakras once and for all.
Shine. Shine so fucking bright the haters will need shades. Your light has terrified you thus far because of what other people will think. You hid it, dimmed, and became a lessened version of yourself so they wouldn’t be intimidated. So you wouldn’t be called names. So you would be liked. Stop this shit right here and now. You are a product of the divine and hiding this light will only keep you stressed and sick. Hiding this light will not bring about personal or societal change. Let them talk. Let them wonder what it is about you. Let them invest in some high-quality sunglasses. Get rid of the energy vampires, they’re only holding you back. The time is now.