In all honesty, I have been putting off this topic for quite some time. It’s not that it’s unimportant — in fact, I know we are living in a time where it is of great importance. The uptick in interest of narcissism is truly a sign of the times.
Everywhere you look, people are waking up to the fact that they have been abused, that they are empaths who have attracted toxic people over and over again to their detriment, and by and large, humanity does not want to continue the cycles of abuse of power or manipulation and control for the next generation. Humans of planet earth are crying out for peace and harmony and there are real societal changes working to get us there.
“How to spot a narcissist” lists are out there everywhere on the internet. I’ve read many and been sorely disappointed. I also see people diagnosing each other at the drop of a hat: they somehow “wrong” you and suddenly they’re a narcissist. I have had close relationships with people who had an elementary understanding of psychology or have a Bachelor’s degree in psychology which, they believe, gives them permission to diagnose anyone and everyone — and then gossip about their “findings”. It is divisive and creates divided energy which is not conducive to creating inner or outer peace. And this is the very reason I have held back on this topic: I do not believe in diagnosing other people unless you are a licensed mental health professional.
Please know, I am not telling you these things as a mental health professional. I am telling you these things as an Intuitive and empath. I am telling you these things so you can stop looking for signs like “who takes the most selfies” and “who posts pictures of themselves on Facebook all day long” — because that won’t help empaths overcome the issues that keep them stressed and sick. It is the energy that you need to look for and no tome of a psychological evaluation guide can teach you that.
And that’s why those “How to spot a narcissist in 4 easy steps” blogs are just not helpful. Basic narcissism may be easier to spot and in fact, can describe a lot of people who are not narcissistic – they are good looking, they’re charming, they’re outgoing, they’re successful. Okay, what’s the harm in that? Don’t we all promote body-positivism, social interaction, and climbing the ladder to success? Don’t we all want to feel good about ourselves?
Yet, here we are. The facades are tumbling worldwide. We now know that P.R. campaigns are no longer just for companies advertising products, preventing profit loss, or socialites trying to overcome bad press. Stories have been layered and strategically fed to the public to hide bad behavior from those at the higher levels of government, education, finance, and more. It’s a great awakening.
Here’s what you have to know: the degree of narcissism that you experience from others as an empath will be in direct correlation with your level of empathy, or the degree of empathy you are cultivating through your life lessons. If you are a higher-level empath who was born highly sensitive and has chosen very difficult lessons in your life and actually wanted to work through them, you will attract higher-level narcissistic energy. Bottom line, plain and simple. The lessons increase in intensity the more you work through them. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth. “To whom much is given, much is expected”.
You deserve to know the truth because until you identify these people or circumstances in your life, you will stay sick. This is why I offer Energy Readings to clients — I illuminate these things to the individuals I work with. This information is healing.
Again, please don’t use this information to diagnose people or gossip about them — that’s not the intention. This is the spiritual perspective I am offering you. It is the energy you have always felt but couldn’t put your finger on. If no one speaks it, you will continue to live in states of stress and cognitive dissonance, which lead to physical disease. Please use this so you can take back your own personal power to understand for yourself what is going on around you. Once you can stop being a victim to things you didn’t know were happening, you can stop the sickness cycles.
The ultimate ways to spot covert, higher-level narcissism:
- They enjoy the “hunt”. Narcissists have a predator mentality, always looking for the next victim, or how to prey on their current victims. You always feel like the “prey” in their presence.
- They make you feel sick in their presence. As an empath, your body is a big ol’ lie detector. This person may seem pleasant on the outside but your inner signals are going haywire — that is your red flag.
- They always have ulterior motives. Remember, there is always a story beneath the story. Go into every situation like a detective seeking the real axe they are trying to grind and why. It will be self-serving.
- They never apologize. It’s your fault, always. If they do apologize, which is rare, it was only so the abuse cycle could continue all over again. (Ex: Your spouse berates you then buys you flowers, only for it to happen again a few days later and on and on.)
- They travel in packs – We’re told that narcissists are people who like to be by themselves at the top. That’s not true. Narcissists often have a pack mentality. This is a way for them to control the social setting to instill confidence, trust, and authority where there would otherwise be none. It is also a way for them to surely have others come to their defense if something were to be exposed.
- They victim blame, shame, and guilt. If they hurt you, you’ll be left feeling like you were the wrong one, the bad one, and you should be ashamed.
- They are drawn to pure souls. Do you expect the best from people, look on the positive side of life, feel the emotions of others very deeply, feel sorrow over the world’s pain, and want good things for yourself and others? You are prime narcissist prey because they feed on the energy produced by your mitochondria, called ATP (adenosine triphosphate). Pure empathic souls also often have “open book” energy and were never taught to stand up for themselves. Often empathic people only know how to hide or get quiet (much like real prey in the wild). It’s like a buffet for a narcissist.
- They ambush you. They won’t give you warning or allow you to be adequately educated or prepared. They may not give you any warning about what will happen next, what they expect, or how to do something.
- They purposefully withhold information so they have the upper hand. See above. Or they may only give you partial information and open-ended expectations. This gives them the upper hand and allows them to victim blame when you didn’t magically do or know what they wanted.
- It is hard for you to explain the mind games they play. Figuring out what they are doing to you feels like a game of mental chess when you never learned the rules of chess. Explaining this “game” to others comes out nonsensical and few understand the severity of the situation.
- You are always in a position of subordination with them. Master-servant dynamic here always. Even if they feign you are their equal, they will find small ways to remind you of how inadequate you are “why did you format an email this way?” “You need more education, like I have”.
- They rarely get nervous. They have strong, solid, unyielding energy. If you can sense energy on people, just know this — you’re likely to be the nervous one and they are likely to be the fixed energy.
- They do not feel anxious over their “flaws” because they have none. Have you worked hard to like yourself? Empaths feel they are intrinsically flawed and we have to work hard to get out of this mindset. Narcissists have never felt this way because they have a strong internal confidence that is not easily broken.
- They naturally rig everything in their favor. They understand systems of control and make sure to always stack the odds against others. Keep in mind, I do suggest stacking the odds in your favor in life — but that doesn’t mean stacking the odds against other people so you can succeed. There is a difference.
- They know how to lie to get out of consequences. They flip whatever and whenever they can. Sadly, they rarely get caught but this is soon changing.
- They keep you out of your subconscious mind. They don’t want to hear about your real experiences and feelings. They want to keep you in the conscious mind or cover story so they can control your reality. (Ex: “I know you think I was wrong, but I bought you flowers, don’t you realize how lucky you are?”)
- They make you keep secrets for them. They are scared sh*tless of the truth coming out and will use every tactic to keep you quiet: scapegoating, coercion, threats, intimidation, lawsuits, social bullying, isolation, etc.
- They find ways to drain you: sex, money, stress. Sex isn’t just sex with a narcissist – it is a way to drain the energy centers. This is why sexual predators often predate children — it’s not just about the perversion of enjoying a certain youthful appearance — it is about finding pure, vibrant chakras to steal from. It’s the most vile form of abuse because it literally sucks the life out of people and leaves them powerless. (If you have been sexually abused, please know, you can rebuild your energy centers and integrate the part of your soul that was stolen). The same is true for those who purposefully threaten to take away your financial security, or purposefully inflict stress. It gives them power, plain and simple because it drains your chakras and keeps you in a “lizard brain” response. They get high on the adrenaline, ATP, and “feel good” peptides.
If all else fails, just remember this: not everyone can see through them, and many people will in fact enjoy them. That is because many choose not to do the soul work or take the “narcissism lesson”. It is a very difficult lesson and it is easier to bypass it to stay complacent and pretend like there are no problems.
But inevitably, narcissists, like all predators, leave a trail. So keep this in mind: “you will know them by their fruits”.
Every single one of us has been a recipient of the trauma someone else imposed on us — every single one, whether you realize it or not.
Often, clients come to me with so much grief and negative energy affecting their every move, every thought, every decision about life. They want to feel happy, but they actually feel quite sad. They want to feel motivated but they instead feel fatigued beyond belief and don’t think their efforts will amount to much. They want to like themselves but they can’t stop the self-deprecating tape playing in their mind: “you aren’t good enough”, “you’ll never be pretty enough”, “you’re dirty”, “you’re not smart enough”, “you need to atone for the sin that is you”, “things will never work out in your favor”. Or they feel they are going at life alone because no one is on the same page as them.
They don’t understand why they are feeling this way because they’ve had a “good” life, or they have a “good” spouse, or they are doing their best to change their diet for the better.
Here’s the thing: it’s not your fault.
We are players in a bigger system that we have not had control over until this moment in time. Our current reality is the sum total of what has happened to others before us and how the cycle has repeated to this day. Last October was a huge “breaking of the dam” watershed moment in time and we are being given the option to stop the secrets and the culture of silent pain. It is an unraveling and undoing of the way things have always been done and it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to confront the problems so they no longer make your body and spirit sick.
Unhealthy cycles are not broken until someone consciously chooses to break them. Until someone says something about the problems, or until someone does something radically different from what was done to them, the toxic cycle will continue.
Breaking unhealthy cycles is one of the hardest things you will ever do because other people may actively work to prevent the change since it feels too scary to them. Pain is all they have known and it is familiar; unacknowledged pain allows them to maintain power or control; it allows them to keep pretending the choices they made were okay; it keeps them from the pain of regret or guilt. It prevents you from being able to rise into the shining being you really are. And it makes you consistently strengthen activity in certain regions of the brain that make this cycle worse over time.
Here’s what you need to know for your health: because of trauma you are operating out of your “lizard” brain or Amygdala. The Amygdalae which are so primitive, they’re often called the “lizard” remnants of the brain, are two almond-shaped sections of nervous tissue located in the temporal lobe. Amygdalae are part of the limbic system which is responsible for emotions, survival, instincts, mood, sexuality, addictions, and memory. It’s function has been linked to neuropsychiatric disorders that involve anxiety and fears.
You will have dominant Amygdala function whether your trauma has been acknowledged thus far, or whether it still remains in the subconscious corners of your mind. The Amygdala is the fight-or-flight, reactivity, fear center of the brain. It remembers most every misdeed others have done to us so that we can constantly be on the defense in order to protect ourselves. It is a coping mechanism and survival tactic that, while once essential, has overstayed it’s welcome. In large part, we’re not hunter-gatherers needing to protect ourselves from apex predators or starvation. It’s making us sick from the stress.
Sounds a bit like adrenal fatigue or hypothyroidism, right?: frazzled, stressed, broken, in states of heightened awareness, in the red, on the defense constantly because we need to protect ourselves from perceived threats. If you are operating out of the Amygdala as a fear center every day, imagine the repercussions for your hormonal health – constantly in a state of flux, constantly swinging from high to low, or just getting so burnt out that your T4, T3, TSH, cortisol, estrogen, and testosterone and completely out of whack. Imagine the repercussions for your immune health – chronically infected with yeast, bacteria, parasites, or your body may be engaged in an autoimmune response where it is attacking anything and everything that is a non-existent threat (food proteins, your own tissues, etc).
There is a solution.
The solution is learning to tap into a vastly different area of your brain that, instead of relying on old bad memories to create our future reality, it relies on problem-solving, solution-seeking, future-oriented goal setting, and personal behavioral modification. It’s called the prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is located in the frontal lobe — right where the sixth chakra or intuitive “third eye” is located — at the front of the forehead. There is a scientific link between your will to live, personality, and the functions of the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex has been implicated in planning complex cognitive behavior, personality expression, decision making, processing, updating, redirecting, and moderating social behavior. Activity in this brain region is in large part a collection of thoughts and actions in accordance with your internal goals. It also helps one differentiate between various thoughts in order to come to reasonable conclusions that will benefit you in the future and are not based in reactivity and fear. In other words, it helps us plan and seek future, positive experiences instead of constantly reacting to old problems.
Here’s how to tap into your prefrontal cortex:
- identify your subconscious triggers (I do this for clients in Energy Reading sessions)
- work through your problems/sin/karma (what you choose to call it doesn’t matter)
- learn cause and effect – how your actions affect others and how others actions affect you
- enact the laws of cause and effect in your life
- stop the negative cycles you have inherited from others
- map out and visualize the future that you want for yourself
- find solutions to get the future health and self you desire, then pursue them hardcore until you get the results you want
- strengthen your own energy through prayer, positive affirmations, meditation, Energy Readings, reiki, acupuncture, yoga or gentle forms of exercise, close friendships with people who know how to reciprocate, doing hobbies you enjoy, etc.
- figure out which diet you should be eating for your unique gene mutations and health problems
- get rid of toxic people or energy vampires in your life (relationships that drain you or in which there are strings attached for purposes of power, control, and manipulation)
- learn about or discover your true personality, apart from what others expect or demand of you
- stand your ground and do not be moved – remember that no one deserves to elicit your stress response
Remember, we are not lizards. We are mammals with a spiritual lineage and the fear center that was once essential for survival is overreacting to your detriment. It doesn’t jive with our modern world. While there may be legitimate threats to your well-being (car accidents, money troubles, relationship problems), you are more than a reptilian stalking prey or finding ways to prevent becoming the prey. You are more than that. You have to remember this essential part of your soul in order to stop the cyclical fear patterns that are making you stressed and sick. You can transition to a new thought process, it is possible. When you do, watch how your health and life improve dramatically for the better.
Until you understand yourself, you will never understand your health. I have found this to be true time and time again both for myself and my clients over the last seven years. I will tell you the truth: your body is a metaphor for all you have lived, all you have experienced (the good and bad), and all of the trauma you have suppressed or internalized. The answers you seek are right in front of you.
That ache in your back, the tightness in your throat, the gait with which you walk, the way you carry your shoulders, the food allergies, the stomach bloat, the chronic fatigue, the brain fog — it is all a cue and clue as to the greater analogy of who you are, what you have been through, and how your body handled it all.
Think of your health as a poem. A left-brained critical thinker (aka: doctor) may take a look at the words (aka: your body) and assume prescriptions are the solution for any and everything that ails you. That is all they have been trained to do and they do not function outside of these boundaries because it feels scary to them. It is a trek into unknown, uncharted waters. To them, you are black and white, cut and cry, no gray area or room for discussion. Anything else would imply they don’t have all the answers.
Modern medicine has relegated health and wellness into the realm of the left-brained scientist: “Only they can be trusted, only they can be believed, only they have the answers I seek.” This just isn’t true. It takes a right-brained creative thinker that knows no bounds, is comfortable with free thought, and understands you are a limitless individual with limitless solutions available to you to find the answers to your pressing, painful health complaints. It takes a poet, an artist, an inventor to say, “there is more to the story. I know this because I can read between the lines.” Yes, we’ve been doing it all wrong.
What if instead of medicating (which never gets to the root of why you are experiencing the health problem in the first place) we began to “read” you to deconstruct the meaning behind it all? What if we unraveled, line by line, symptom by symptom, the meaning of you? What if we went so deep into you that we solved the mysteries?
Chronic illness does not have one cause. Yet thyroid diseases and autoimmune conditions are diagnosed and treated as though they do come from a singular cause. Medication, testing, adjusting of dosage, more testing, more adjusting. Round and round we go on this hamster wheel. You end up so frustrated or defeated that you give up trying to improve things altogether. Let me tell you this: it is not you, it is them.
I think of each client as a unique mystery begging to be solved. How did they get here? What is their potential for healing? What do we need to do to get them there quickly? I know there are always solutions because I healed my Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and put it into unmedicated remission despite medical professionals telling me it wasn’t possible. They couldn’t read between the lines, but I could. And I did.
I have worked with clients at the end of their rope with their health. I have seen women with Graves’ disease go medication-free and keep their labs in check with specific, tailored nutrition and deep mind-body work; Graves’ Disease! — an illness that can literally kill someone. They came to me eating a gluten-free and dairy-free diet because that’s what they’d read big-name left-brained doctors and internet stars say they had to do. It wasn’t getting them anywhere. You see, diseases happen for “cluster” reasons. Once we understand the cluster, we deconstruct it to stop it.
This means they didn’t just have a genetic predisposition to autoimmunity or hyperthyroidism — they had 10 or more issues that were compounding to create the Graves’ disease state:
- histamine intolerance
- large consumption of thyroid-stimulating foods (coconut, avocado, and brazil nuts, for example)
- leaky gut syndrome
- Epstein-Barr infections
- Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO)
- adrenal fatigue or high/low cortisol
- erratic blood sugar
- too little cholesterol in their diet and way too much plant-based saturated fat (thanks to big name doctors promoting a low-cholesterol, high saturated fat Paleo diet)
- nervous system dysregulation
- stored chaotic energy
- abuse or neglect
- little to no self-care
- “screaming” to be heard their entire lives
What happens when you deconstruct and remedy the cluster? You stop the disease state.
But keep in mind, this is only a template. It’s like the stanzas in a poem. The words will be unique to you, despite the outline of the rhythm being the same. Until you understand your unique cluster, you will never halt the health problems.
The answers you seek are literally and figuratively right in front of you. You must find someone to help you deconstruct the metaphor that is you.